Black Girl's Online Dating Adventures- Part II

So I've joined two popular black dating websites in hopes of recharging my dating life. I figure if I'm a member of more than one site I'll increase my odds. Smart right?

So what's the difference between a black dating website and mainstream ones? Well, for one the black sites seem to be more affordable than Match, E-Harmony and other more popular sites. The black sites may not have a lot of the same cool features but there's a larger pool of black singles in my area to choose from than a mainstream site.

I've been doing the online thing for about a month now and so far I have two half-potentials. I haven't met either yet but I have been talking on the phone with both and have made plans to meet one already. I'm a little disappointed by the lack of variety of men there are online. Yes, I have about 10 times more to choose from than other sites but lets do the math.

• While using the ever so handy search tool, by the time I filter out black men between the ages of 25-37 within a 100 mile radius with no children that pool quickly narrowed down to about half of it's size.
  
• Then after you've skipped over profiles with usernames like PNastee, WETUMUP, just4thenite, Mr.Perfect or "Knight in shining armor" (as if!), gnasty, datoecurler, Pussikilla or any name that includes part of or all of the name of a hip hop artist or song.
  
• Excluding folks who don't even bother to fill out their profiles only offering you "I'll tell u later" in the "About me" section.
  
• Profiles that are written in complete slang, all caps, broken English (uses "c," "u," "da," "4," and other characters to replace words instead of writing complete sentences like a grown man should) are automatically excluded.
  
• Men who are posed half naked, in front of their cars, showing off their chains, wears fronts, throwing up hands signs that are other than "Peace" or thinks Dipset is the greatest hip hop group of all time.
  
• Men who are looking for "casual relationships" which is man code for booty call. Those take up about half of the search results to start with.

After all of this your pool of men has turned into a pitiful puddle. About the same size you would get standard on mainstream sites.

Now I'm not saying that the females on these sites are much better. Talking to my two "half-potentials" they too run into a lot of women that turn them off from the gate. Where there are brothas who have kids there's just as many sistas who have kids. One of my "potentials", who is single with no children and kids being where he draws the line with women, says most of the black women on the site have one or more kids. He also complained that a lot are really out of shape because he states that he takes pride in his body running three miles a day and wants someone who does the same. He too was just as frustrated with the lack of proper grammar and the ability to even "string a sentence" together properly followed by the limited interests black women seem to have on the site.

So because I was curious (and wanted to check out my competition) I decided to check out the women's profiles. If anything just to prove this dude wrong. The common thread among these profiles:

One or more kids, lazy grammar, bitterness with "no games," "real man," "imma real woman" (a whole lot of "real"), "strong black woman who needs a strong black man," "wifey material" (I hate that one the most) and other cliches invented by single black women throughout their profiles.

Geez.

Where are all the dateable black folks at?

Black Girl's Online Dating Adventures - Part I

So as I mentioned in a previous post I’m giving this internet dating thing another go in an effort to recharge my dating life. I’ve tried the popular mainstream dating sites - Match, True, E-Harmony - on and off for a couple of years. I’ve only casually dated three men during that time.

I’ve yet to have anything serious as far as a relationship goes that came out of those experiences. People will tell you that you can come across some shady characters online but you can come across equally shady folks in person too. You’ve just have to take the same precautions that you do when you meet a perfect stranger at the club, bar or grocery store.

In my online dating experiences I met my dates in person usually anywhere from 3-4 weeks after first online contact. Conversations always started via the dating site. Numbers were usually exchanged a couple of weeks after first contact. The first phone call served as sort of an ice breaker. If all went well without awkward silences and offending the other, a date was usually set for our first meeting.

So far I haven’t been kidnapped and cut up into itty bitty pieces! Lol!! I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, met in a very public place when meeting online potentials.

One of the first guys I met online, Anthony, who I spoke of in an earlier post, was a guy I met for breakfast at popular family restaurant. I remember feeling fairly nervous but confident and wondering if he was going to be anything like he was over the phone Funny, sarcastic but not in an annoying way. We had talked for hours the previous night about really bad hip hop, our jobs, our families and friends and how annoying the dating scene is for black folks in our area if you’re not into the clubs, bling, or thug life mentality. We seemed to be on the same page. Almost a perfect fit.

So I’m waiting in the restaurant lobby for Anthony crossing my fingers and hoping our “in person” encounter would have the same sparks as our conversation did the previous night. When he finally arrives he easily spots me. (We were the only black people in the restaurant at the time.)

Now, if I said I don’t care about looks I’d be lying. But for some reason I wasn’t instantly physically attracted to him when I first saw him. “No, problem.” I thought as the waitress led us to our table. “He’s much too interesting of a guy to just pass up.”

We ate our breakfast and kept the conversation pretty light. He was going to school for electrical engineering while I was taking a couple of class at the city’s community college at the time. He had gotten an associates degree at that same school but had recently started of at UNC-CH. We talked about school, he shared some of the volunteer work he did and his interest in gadgets. He was a self proclaim tech geek. He seemed very similar to what I had imagined while emailing those past couple of weeks. But in person….there was this awkwardness about him and hints that he could potentially be the clingy type. But I wasn’t going to write him off him.

I kept Anthony at bay for about four months with - “I just want to take things slow/It's not you, it's me” sort of thing. We probably saw each other about once a week. I would’ve broken it off with him sooner but I really wait for the physical attraction to kick in but it didn’t. I wasn’t even interested in kissing him. I finally had to break it off around the holidays. (I know - harsh. But I didn’t want to waste anymore of his time.) To this day I wonder about him. He definitely would’ve treated me like a queen but that physical chemistry just wasn’t there.

The second guy I met, Michael. A scientist. I still I don’t exactly understand what he does - studies the protein of kidneys or something or other. Anyway….who knew you could meet scientists through online dating? I was a little intimidated into even exchanging emails him. I’m just going to say it - I’ve always considered myself a fairly intelligent person but I didn’t thing I was smart enough for him! I thought we would never have anything in common. On top of that he was from Zimbabwe and I was a little nervous about potential cultural differences. He lived in Durham but was going to be in Charlotte for a Panthers game so after a couple of weeks of online chats and a couple of phone calls I drove into the city and met him at a restaurant outside the stadium after the game. I was pleased with what I saw. He was tall and slender, brown skinned, curly black hair and very soft spoken but confident. We had a couple of beers and shared some wings. I was charmed by his exotic accent - it took little getting use to with all the noise of excited Panthers fans at the bar. He admitted to me that was the first black American girl he’s been out with. We had an interesting chat about the cultural differences between us but it didn’t seem like it was going to be a big obstacle. We made plans to hang out in Durham the following week. He took me to a quaint little French restaurant and to an ice cream parlor for dessert. But as my luck would always have it something went wrong. After a couple of weeks, realizing that he had misunderstood the conditions of his work visa, his time in the U.S. was coming sooner than he planned. He would have to leave the country in 10 months. We both agreed it really wouldn’t make sense starting a serious relationship that would only end in pain.

So before anything could really take off we agreed to keep it casually. There were many nights of good wine, food, and even a hockey game between us until the day he left. I actually ended up buying his whole living room and dining room set from him. I would’ve needed furniture for when I moved and he needed to get rid of everything in his home before leaving to his new job in Cape Town, SA. I was one of the last familiar American faces he saw after dropping him off at the airport. To this day I still keep in touch with him.

My last and most recent internet dating experience was with a Jamaican guy who worked as a researcher for a local school district. He was cool until I found out he was a bit controlling and told me to - get this - gain weight for him! What? Okay….I’m slender and I have been slacking off with my strength training at the gym - but I’m no Nicole Richie. When I called him on his shit and told him I didn’t appreciate his little critiques about my body he must have sensed that I was about to bail and quickly tried to back track with “I was just playing” and tried to compare his suggestions to changing my body for him to when a woman wears a certain dress or wears her hair a certain way for her man. Wrong! I wasn’t buying it. I stopped taking his calls after that.

Despite the last guy, my online dating experience wasn’t a total bust so I’m going to keep on trying. I’m currently a member of two sites right now. I figure I can increase my chances of meeting someone this way. So stay tuned for my online dating adventures!

Is marriage a far fetched idea for a black girl like me?

I know, I know....I probably shouldn't get caught up in the can't find a good man/brothas aren't dating sistas/Down-Low phenomenon but I can't help to feel a little discouraged about the statistics for black marriage. I mean, it's everywhere you look...magazines, television, the Internet even in movies like "Something New."

The sad fact is black women aren't getting married as nearly as the same rate as their white, Hispanic and Asian sisters. As part of the black community, I really don't have to look far to see that the numbers ring true. I know of more unmarried black women my age than I do married. I see more white women my age married than I do in the black women I know in the same age group. Everywhere I look, movies, television, music and in my own family the message is clear - Black women are the main providers for their children and households and on top of that it doesn't look like they're getting married anytime soon.

So is the fate of a single, childless black girl such as myself?

The African American Healthy Marriage Initiative reports that:

On the whole, Blacks or African Americans (hereafter called Blacks) have lower rates of marriage and marital stability than all other ethnic groups. They also have higher rates of single-headed families than other groups.

Citing statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau, their report continues...

Black males and females are more likely to be unmarried than Whites, Hispanics, or American Indian/Alaskan Natives (AIAN) (42.2% for males, 40.8% for females, compared to 27.5% and 21.2% respectively for Whites, 38.2% and 30.3% for Hispanics, and 35.7% ad 29.9% for AIAN ).(ACS 2002)

Black individuals are far more likely than Whites and Hispanics to be divorced (in 2002, 9.4% of Black males were divorced, and 13.3% of Black females versus 9.1 % and 11.3% respectively for Whites and 5.9% and 9.3% for Hispanics). (ACS 2002)

Among married Black individuals, a greater percentage is living apart from their spouses than among married White and AIAN individuals (15.7% for Black males, 24.1% for Black females, versus 5.3% and 6.3% respectively for Whites and 11.1% and 12.8% for AIAN). Only Hispanics have a higher rate of living apart from their spouse than do Blacks – 16.2% for males and 16.9% for females (in many cases this may be due to immigration complications). (ACS 2002)

Black families are less likely to contain a married couple than all other groups (46.0% versus 81.0%). White families have an 81% chance of containing a married couple, AIAN families have a 67% chance, and Hispanics have a 67.4% chance. (Census 2000)

Single male-headed families are slightly more likely in Black homes than in White family homes (about 8.5% versus 5.3% for whites.). Hispanics and AIANs have a higher rate of single male headed families (10.3% and 10.4% respectively). (Census 2000)

Single female-headed families are far more likely in Black homes than in all other groups' homes (45.4% versus 13.7%). By contrast, Whites have a 13.7% rate, AIANs have a 28.8% rate, and
Hispanics have a 22.3% rate of single female headed families. (Census 2000)

Only 44.9% of Black householders in family households live with a spouse. This compares with 80.6% for Whites, 60.1% for AIAN, and 70.2% for Hispanics. (Census 2000)

So what do these numbers really mean? Have black people stopped caring about marriage all together? Why can't our families seem to stay together?

I have my own not so very scientific theories:

• Black men and women aren't fully aware of their roles in relationships. - I think that both sexes attempt to "wear the pants" so to speak in relationships. Black women want to be in charge which is quite understandable. I think as black women we're use to seeing a woman take charge of a household - half the time (according to that stats) without a male in the household. I've seen it in my own family. My father was raised in a household with all women - his mother, his aunt, and his grandmother. There might have been a man around here and there, but for most of his childhood there was no major male influence around living in the house. All of these women, my grandmother, my great aunt and my great grandmother have either had to have a take charge attitude or have been the sole providers or dominant influence in raising their children. If there was a husband he was killed, a drunk, abusive and/or pretty much took a back seat when it came to running and raising a household of young impressionable children. Black men who have grown up without male role models don't really have an example to look back on when it comes to taking care of their own children/women. If they haven't seen it growing up what do they have to go on?
  
• Black women baby their sons too much. - causing them to be look to their wives/girlfriends as mother figures instead of partners.
  
• Black women's self esteem - causing them to settle. It's not like black women don't want to get married - we just to to settle for the "I have his kids and at least his living with me" or continue to have children with men who have no intentions of making a long term commitment with us.
  
• The Hip Hop culture - you're just a radio station and BET video away from seeing that that black women are objectified and disposal characters. Hip Hop has made the baby mama/baby daddy moniker cute. This male dominated genre promotes casual sex with multiple partners and black people are eating this shit up.

Damn, what's a black girl to do?

Progress...

Written Mar. 06. 07

Yay!!! I finally have my laptop. Now all I need is Internet connection (which I will be getting on Thursday - my birthday) and I will be up and running!!!! Who needs cable when you have the whole world at your finger tips with high speed Internet.

I thought it would be a good idea to update my blog and to keep up with it more.

What has happened to me since?

Well, I moved out for one. Hallelujah! I’m still single. (Of course I’m still single….it’s the story of my life.) I’m still at the same job but now I’m a photojournalist. Life is pretty OK. Of course it
could always be better…..

I’m sooooo over the whole crying in my beer, broken-hearted thing. It’s amazing what a little time can do for your spirit. I’ve casually dated a couple of nice guys here and there but nothing has taken off so far relationship wise. I’m actually about the cut loose someone who I’ve been seeing now - that’s another story for another blog.

So, as I mentioned earlier I have a birthday coming up. For the past couple of years I’ve spent my birthday either depressed and/or reflective on my life. Birthdays to me are like the second chance you get in the year apart form New Years to make new resolutions. This birthday I just really have one and it’s to be more proactive - at my job, in social life, family….everything. With my nature it’s easy for me to sort of retreat into Hermit-ville and sort of not want to be bothered with anyone or anything. Since moving out I have reveled in my solitude. I am so loving it! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with anyone else again!!

But sometimes solitude can be costly. I complain about being single but I don’t make myself available as I should. I complain about having a lack of career focus or passion for something but I don’t get out enough to be able to explore new possibilities. I could really stand to stay more connected to family members. I’ve always wanted to trace my family roots but I keep putting it off.

So this year…..in the 27th year of my life I’m going to vow to be more proactive.

I’ll keep ya posted!!

Why don't black Americans care about Darfur?

What can I as a black American do to make a difference?

Why don't Americans, especially black Americans care about Darfur?

Is it because of the lack of education and understanding of what's going on in Darfur?

Is it because of the gross lack of media attention here in America of Darfur?

Is because we just feel helpless to the situation? Or maybe most black Americans just don't care enough?

I think it's a little of all of the above.

I know speaking for myself that it wasn't until I started seeking out information on my own through news articles on the internet (there's very little coverage here in the U.S. about Darfur) before I even had a general sense of the conflict in Darfur which basically from my understanding is that there are two groups fighting; black Africans and the Arabs. The black Africans are seeking equal rights to land, social and public services and the right to have a self governing state and accusing the Sudanese government of favoring Arabs. Meanwhile Arabs are slaughtering, raping women to produce Arab children (which sounds like to me a sort of ethnic cleansing) and enslaving the black Africans which the Sudanese government is denying that modern-day slavery is going on.

I still cannot wrap my mind around exactly what sparked the conflict between these two groups to begin with; religious, ethnic or about land?? Apparently the tension between these two ethnic groups is nothing new. I still cannot fully understand why these two groups cannot get along. But there's one thing we as black Americans can understand when it comes to this conflict and it's called oppression.

As black Americans we come from a long history of slavery and inhumane treatment. A lot of the same rights that the black Sudanese are fight for is what we fought for. As black Americans we should be the first to empathize and offer a helping hand to these people because we are an inspiring example of blacks who were rose out of enslavement. But if a lot of black Americans are like me, they feel totally helpless on what to do?

Maybe black Americans just don't care enough? Are we just too consumed with our own problems (and believe me, aside from the great strides we have made in this country, black Americans still have their own mess to work through) or are we only concerned with more of the materialism that the U.S. has to offer? We claim to be so interested in our "roots" but very few black Americans can comment on any of the current events going on in Africa. I was very sad and ashamed when I read an interview with Simon Deng in which he was asked:

Given the history of slavery in the U.S., I was wondering what the response has been of Americans—especially African Americans—to your story?

He responded:

When I came to this country, my hope was that African Americans would be the first people to come and rescue me. I was disappointed. Up to today, I am still very disappointed. Nobody seems to care. I do not know what the reason is. Is it because we’ve become immune to it? Is it because slavery is still fresh in us, and we don’t want to talk about it? Nobody has given me an answer.We thought the first people to rescue us would be our own brothers and sisters here. Especially when we talk about the slavery that is going on in Africa in Sudan and Mauritania. African Americans should be the ones speaking out against this, but the ones speaking out happen to be the white people, which we appreciate.


What a shame....


I'm feeling helpless. Any suggestions on what I can do?

Why I loathe Black Entertainment Television sometimes

Remember the good old days of BET when executes actually gave a damn about creating original programming that dealt with the issues that black people face like Teen Summit, The Tavis Smiley Show and what ever happened to the nightly news with Jackie Reid? Is there any news programming period on BET nowadays? What – do black people just not watch the news anymore? What the hell? I’m must admit though, they do seem to be trying to get their feet wet regarding original programming – they seem to be following the lead of all the other networks by creating a couple of new reality shows like “College Hill.” But the majority of it looks so low budget you can’t stand to sit and watch it all the way through. Besides, following the lives of college students is played – that’s MTV’s territory. That network has the “Real World” down to a science. But hey, at least give them credit for being the first network to chronicle a rapper’s last days of freedom before she goes to the slammer with “Little Kim: Countdown to Lockdown.” (Can you detect my sarcasm?)

As an avid television connoisseur who admits to wasting hours vegetating in from of the “stupid box” I can honestly say I rarely tune into BET for more than a few seconds while flipping endlessly through channels. I, the black viewer and supposedly BET’s target audience, find nothing interesting in the same handful of videos played over and over and reruns of “The Parkers” as if we didn’t get enough of them on UPN. Somehow BET has widdled what they call “Black” entertainment into a genre that is so small that anybody that goes outside the box of what is “Black” going to be left out.

So what is “Black”? Apparently it’s scantily clad women jiggling their booties to “Laffy Taffy” and not the clever hip hop lyricisms of “The Roots,” “Little Brother,” “Mos Def” and “Common”; even though he has been getting more air time since hooking up with Kanye West. It’s not the electrifying Lenny Krativz; the last time I check he was still black and it’s definitely not the country crooner “Cowboy Troy.” My thing is, if you’re going to have a network called “Black Entertainment Television” why exclude so many black entertainers just because they don’t fit the particular mold? Isn’t that being prejudiced against entertainers who look like the “target” audience that you’re going for; you know…..those descendants of slaves that share a culture and collectively call themselves African-Americans? Or what about black music of African and Caribbean decent? What about catering to their tastes just a little bit? Are they not black? Or do they just not matter because they’re not originally from this country? But why should I really be surprised and expect anything more of BET? This is the same network who named Louis Farrakhan “Man of the Year”; but that man is another blog for another time. What really took the cake was when R. Kelly was named something like “The Greatest Artist of All Time” or some overrated title either last year or the year previous to that during the BET Music Awards. Somehow the network and fans developed amnesia to the man’s past history of sexing up underage girls but I digress. The one thing I will give BET credit for is their Sunday worship programming. Nothing like a little praise to balance out the rump shaking from the night before!

I’m not saying to ban artists like Dem Franchise boys; although I do want to literally start tearing stuff up in a fit of rage every time I hear “Laffy Taffy.” I’m also not saying that artists should tone down the sexual overtones in their videos either because I totally get that sex sells. I’m just saying give me a little variety. Make room for the other folks too. Don’t give me excuses like “BET doesn’t break new artists” or “the music isn’t relevant to the BET audience” or “it’s too intelligent.” Instead you choose to insult my intelligence by airing something like “Laffy Taffy” twenty-four hours a day that’s suppose to be just ignorant enough for me to understand. Come on!! (Have I mentioned how much I hate “Laffy Taffy”? Kelis’ “Bossy” is right up there too!) I mean, what is BET really afraid of by giving some of these left-stage artists a little shine? They can carve out time in the middle of the night for “BET Uncut” videos but they can’t find a slot for a little “Black Thought”?

Or maybe....just maybe I’m in the minority here. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe this is all that black people want to see. Maybe we’re just as one dimensional as we seem. I don’t know black people; give me some feedback here! If BET should start taking more responsibility with program choices, shouldn’t black people start taking more responsibility in what they choose to listen to and watch? Maybe BET is just giving the people what they want. Or maybe they’re just not giving them a chance and seriously underestimating their audience. Who knows??!!

And that folks, is the end of my rant!

I'm baaaack!!!!

Okay, I've seriously have been slacking on this blogging thing. Here's a brief update of what's been going on (or rather not going on!):

I'm still at home although I am taking the steps needed to leave. My boss gave me an extra raise and I have my car paid off so now I actually have $$$ to pay off that student loan. The love life is slow. Although for the past several months I have enjoyed the company of a nice Zimbabwe doctor from time to time. Nothing serious ever came of that because we both knew that his visa was going to run out. He left a couple of weeks ago and will be heading to Cape Town, SA after spending a month in England. He sold me his living room and dining room set and threw in some dishes which I have since put in storage until I make the big leap out on my own in several months. I'm not as nearly pitiful and heartbroken as I was last year; time heals all wounds.....well...most of them anyways. I've decided to enroll back in school January 2006 to pursue a degree in Web Technologies. I manage the website at work on a part time basis and figure I might as well get a degree that can get me out of that place. Plus the company helps pay for any education related to my job. Other than that I'm just working, paying bills and trying to enjoy life along the way. I love music so I've spent the last several months seeing my favorite artists perform in concert. The last one was The Roots in Charlotte a couple of months ago. It was the best live hip-hop performance I've ever seen!

I think if I actually knew people were reading I'd keep this thing updated more often! lol!! Is anybody out there?? lol!!!

Peace!!

The Front Line

The Front Line: Soccer doesn't care about Black People.

Kenyan villager

Kenyan villager

A dream not yet realized.....

Lately I've been thinking that there has to be more to this life than eating, sleeping, working and paying bills. I have no idea what I've been put on this earth for but I know whatever it is, it has to be more than just simply maintaining and getting by in life. I'm envious of those people who know exactly what they want out of life and just go for it. Their whole life is just about following their dreams. I don't have a dream. Whoever heard of a person that doesn't have dreams?

People dream of becoming doctors, lawyers, astronauts, singers, actors, writers, teachers, world travelers, artists - all kinds of things. I can't remember ever have those types of dreams. If I had one I feel like I had a purpose, a goal - something to strive to achieve.

I have however come to one realization just recently - if I ever had the opportunity to work for myself I would. I'm not sure what I would do, but I do know that I don't want to continue to slave away for an employer for a few measly pennies.

I want to pick up some new hobbies. Maybe this way I can find out what I really enjoy doing and turn it into a career. I'd like to take a creative writing class this summer, swimming lessons, and since I have all of these vacation days, a few short weekend trips this summer either with friends or by myself.

One of the first trips that I will most likely be taking by myself is in June to Atlanta. There's this big natural hair show there where there will be lots of shows, vendors and seminars. While there, I'd like to take a seminar on basic locking, braiding and one on making your own aromatherapy blends for profit and marketing. While there I'd also like to explore Atlanta and do a little shopping.

I'd also like to go to Miami and/or California with Mandy sometime this summer. I'm working out at the gym constantly to get my body beach ready. I'll probably also visit Charleston which would probably be another solo trip.

I'd really like to start making extra payments on my Saturn so I can get it paid off sooner. The sooner I get that paid off, the sooner I can really think about getting my own place with an extra $250 in my pocket.

I'd really like to take the next few months to kind of find myself and to keep myself out of a depression. Working out helps some with the blues but it's not a total cure. I want to be able to learn how to be okay with myself also. And I'd like to starting dating more - nothing serious - but I just want be be able to have fun with someone without obessing or over analyzing relationships.

I'd also plan to make it a point to post more in my bloggs. I've discovered that writing about my feelings and getting my issues out is very therapeutic so you can plan on seeing much more of me.

Now I am off to fix me lunch and then it's straight to the gym.