Dear God,
I know I shouldn't be complaining about my life. After all, I grew up in a 'relatively' functional household. I had two parents who stayed together for most of my life. I had a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in. They kept me fed and healthy and because of my military father I was able to live in another country and experience different cultures. I was never abused phyiscally or mentally. Never molested in any way shape or form. I've known people who've experienced horrible family lifes. I should feel lucky right?
So why do I feel like shit?
I'm 24 years old now and I'm no where NEAR where I thought I would be in life. At 18, here is where I thought I would be:
I would go to college and meet the man of my dreams. We'd be college sweethearts and we'd both graduate with our degrees, landing our dream jobs right out of college. My man would then ask me to marry him. We'd wed in a beautiful ceremony surrounded by all of our loved ones. Naturally, I'd be radiating with beauty in my princess inspired wedding gown. Lots of chifon. I wanted my dress to have lots of chifon. It would be so big and grand I'd get lost in it. And my groom would be the most handsome man you'd ever set eyes on. His skin would be as rich and dark as coffee. He would have perfect features; deep, dark ,honest eyes, full and lucious lips, a definite jawline leading to a strong chin. And when he smiled he'd have dimples deep enough to swim in. He would be so big and tall and strong he'd pick me up like I was as light as a feather. He would protect me, make everything better, solve all of my problems. But most of all he would make me feel good about myself. This silly thought would be the begining of my struggles with men and relationships. But that's another story for another time. There are more important issues that are bothering me.
Like I said I'm 24 and I'm not where I want to be. I'm still living at home which I'm not proud of. Sure, I'm still paying mom to stay here like I'd have to pay rent if I were staying on my own. But I want my own space. I need my own space with an energy that is my own. I know I could afford it but the truth is I'm terrible at managing money and I don't know what to do about it. It's like I get paid and I have no idea where my money is going. In my last apartment with my best friend Mandy, I could barely keep it together because of my lack of money sense. My mother is quick to point out that I get it from my dad. She says he is to blame for their breakup and financial situation. I don't want to end up bankrupt like my parents.
The thing is I could pay things off easily if I wanted to. The money I give my mom every month is less than half the money I would have to spend if I were living on my own. So where is the rest of this money going? I have nothing to show for friviously blowing my money.
Okay, I admit...I have a week spot for purses...and shoes...and most recently Ebay. I can live without designer labels but what gets me everytime is anything clothing wise that I find is 'unique.' I cherish my individuality. I hate walking around dressed like everyone else so I'll go above and beyond my way and sometimes my means to get it. I'm trying to kick the habit..really I am. Next pay check is going to bills!
I always say that. And it never happens.
See what will happen is I'll need new brakes, or an oil change, or my mom will ask for extra money, or a show will come to town, or I'll have a night on the town with girlfriends ....or I'll see something else that I want.
And the cycle continues.
One year later I'll be in the same exact spot I was a year earlier, and the year before that. The same spot I'm in now.
Help me God.
Help me with my struggles with money. Help me not to give into tempation. Help me build my future. Help me to become fully indepedent once again.
