Matters of the heart

I'm finally dating again so now I don't feel like such a big loser for being single. But dating comes with it's own set of problems that you don't have to worry about if you're married or in a committed relationship. For the most part it involves dealing with a lot of what I like to call "duds" before you find a good mate. But before I go on I want to explain what dating means in my book:

Dating: Spending time and energy with a person in pursuit of turning what you have together into a committed relationship. It is natural for each party to also date other people because there is no committment. If you want to find a good mate, it's best to date around. It's also suggested to refrain from intercourse or any other forms of sexual behavior with this person before the conversation is had about a commitment because MOST people can't handle having sex with someone when that person is dating other people. But if you have thick skin then hey, do your thang! Just protect yourself and remember to not have any expectations. If they find that most of their time is spent together and a spirtual and emotional bond is beginning to form, then it's time to have that talk about commitment.

Pretty long, huh?

So, back to what I was saying I'm dating this guy now. He's cool, sweet, kind, attentive, thoughful, smart, open, opionated - a pretty much all around good guy. He pretty much has most of the characteristics I've prayed for in a man. The problem is I don't get those butterflies you get when you're around someone that you're smitten with.

So what's the problem?

My heart is with someone else. A friend. His name is Evin.

Evin and I met through a friend I was sharing an apartment I lived in about two years ago. He was nothing like the guys I was use to seeing in the town I live in. I believe the first time I saw him, I had come home from work and he in my friend were wathching TV. He was wearing some sort of NASCAR racing shirt and sported dark brown shoulder length dreadlocks. He had a light brown complexion, freckles and penetrating eyes which kind of disturbed me when I first saw him. He and his boy would come over from time to time on the weekends and we would play cards, drink or just sit up all night talking. I never even looked at Kevin in a romantic way. Probably because I had already made it up in my mind from personal observations that he was that brotha that didn't date black women. With that aside he was still cool as hell. He was funny and cool to hang out with. It was cool to have someone to talk to that had a male perpestive of things.

Well, one night after having my all my relaxer freshly chopped off to start my brand new dreadlocks, Evin and his friend were over. My roommate and everyone else were outside talking and it was just me and him chilling in the living room. We were in deep conversation about something (I can't remember) when out of no where Evin spits out, "I think we should be together." Just like that. The way that he said was like "I think we should order a pizza."

At first I dismiss what just came out of he's mouth because he's such a kidder and surely he couldn't be serious, especially in the manner in which he made the statement.

But then he gets up to grab a lighter from the top of the fridge and turns to me with those eyes and says something to the effect of "I don't make the best boyfriend but I'll try the best I can and I think we should be together."

Okay, I've NEVER even looked a Evin in a romantic way. He was my boy. So you can imagine what the look on my face was.

I never entertained his statment with an answer. I just sat there shocked, puzzled, flattered and uncomfortable.

I guess he got his answer from the look on my face because that night was one of the last nights we talked before we stopped chilling together for about 8 months.

It was July of 2003 before we connected again. I was a little worried about continuing a friendship with him because I the time I still only saw him as a friend and nothing more. From that time we started chilling more than what we did in the past. We got to know each other a little better and during that time I got to see what a wonderfully wise friend that I had. He started to open up more to me and I was able to do the same with him. Before I knew it I had developed those butterflies. But we were just friends and I was to scared to take it there. I wasn't sure if he still even wanted me after I had rejected him a year earlier. So I keep how I feel to myself and continue on with the friendship.

Now, even though I'm falling for this person, there were other factors that kept me from sharing my true feelings with. Even though we were good friends, I wasn't sure if he'd make a good boyfriend. He's not dependable and can't committ to something because of his own admission he can't make a promise that he can come through on his word. He can't even hardly committ to making plans for the next day so what make me think he could make a long term commitment to as a boyfriend.

Meanwhile, you can cut the romantic tension between us with a knife. Nobody wants to bring up "that" subject again. He keeps throwing me a bone, letting me know that he's still feeling me and even during one conversation says to let me guard down wanting me to let him in.

But I block all his attempts.

One night, after we made plans to go to a show the day before, he's no where to be found. I specially told him the day before that if these were plans he couldn't committ to to let me know that way I could make other plans for my weekend. All day no call, no show. This isn't the first time he's pulled this. As the hour goes on I'm getting more and more pissed. "How could he be such a shitty friend?" I thought to myself.

Finally, at my last attempt at calling I leave him an ugly message on his voicemail saying that the friendship was over. I couldn't take being treated like that over and over again. What made this night so bad was this was the night that I finally was going to tell him how I felt but he blew me off.

We didn't talk the whole summer.

Then I met Anthony, the guy I'm dating now, online in August. We instantly clicked over the phone and before you know it we're talking on the phone every day and making plans.

Then Evin calls me late one night. We went on like we had never even stopped talking. Then I just asked him "Why are you calling me after all this time?"

He told me he was too embarassed by his actions to call me and figured I needed some time to cool down. He said that there were no excuse for his actions and that he was sorry.

So, being there person that I am I accept his apology. And this time around I tell him exactly how I feel about him.

Except....

I'm dating and he's involved with someone right know.

"Why didn't you tell me how you felt about me a long time ago. How long have you felt this way." he asks.

All, I could say is that I was scared. I told him that it hurts to be his friend right now with the way I feel and knowing he's involved with someone else. I told him I thought it was best if we cooled off with the friendship but that I was always here for him if he needed me.

And now, he's all that I think about.

It's so not fair for Anthony though, because I'd like to feel the same way I feel about Evin with him. Hopefully, with our time apart I can focus on dating Anthony and others without him constantly weighing on my mind. I feel like if we remained friends my feelings for him would only grow deeper and no other man would have a chance at my heart.

So that's my dating dellimma

I just want this heartache to go away so that I can fully move on. Hopefully, in time it will.

Until next time!
Child of God