I haven't really been feeling like myself lately. Oh, who I am fooling? I've been depressed for the past couple of months.

Every day I am in constant awarness of my pitiful state.

I had a birthday this month on the 8th that didn't make things in easier. I'm 25 years old and here's is my life summed up:

Single, Found comfort in a man that is the cousin of Evin (with whom I'm pitifully still in love with)
Broke
Working a job that doesn't fufill me
Living at home



So let's address the single issue first. To do that I'm going to have to catch you up on the last 2 months.

After I stopped dating Anthony in December I found myself spending more and more time with Wesley, Evin's cousin. He was sweet and fun to hang out with. At the time I thought to myself that if he wasn't Evin's cousin (and if it wasn't for the fact that I still had feelings for the man) that I would definitely consider dating him.

But Wesley had other ideas. He confessed to me that he enjoyed spending time with me and if I would consider dating someone like him. My first thought was that it would be too complicated...but then I thought would it really?

Taking it back to the first time I met Wesley back in August, who also happens to be Evin's roommate, we hit it off immediately one night after visiting him at his new apartment. At the time Evin was talking to his then not yet pregnant girlfriend. Apparently she had showed up at his place while I was there without notice and he was trying to keep her at bay out on the patio. Wesley and I spent the majority of the time talking and I could feel that his interest in me was more than casual. It was getting late so I decided to head on home and I was begining to wonder where Evin had dissappeared to. I didn't know he had his female friend outside at the time. So I went out on the patio to see what he was doing. He was outside with his friend and I was kind of caught off gaurd because I just thought he was outside smoking and talking on the phone the whole time me and Wesley was inside. That was my cue to leave. I told him goodnight and went back inside.

Wesley walked me to my car and asked me for my phone number. I relunctanly gave it to him. It wasn't because I didn't enjoy our conversation, but in my mind I was still holding out for Evin even though I had no good reason to. I mean the man has a woman out on his patio. He's obviously moved on.

By the time I get home my phone rings. It's Wesley checking to see if I got home okay. I thought it was incredibly sweet of him to check on me. I immediately start feeling guilty for even giving Evin's cousin my number. Even though I had no reason to. I mean, it was a long time ago when I turned Evin's offer down and when we did reconnect we couldn't seem to make anything happen. Yet I still had feelings for him - go figure! So I called Evin as soon as I got off the phone with Wesley and told him that Wesley asked for my number and I gave it to him. He said he was fine with it and had no reason be upset. Like I said we barely even came close to dating. I must admit, my feelings were kind of hurt because a small part of me wanted him to be upset. If he was upest at least I knew he still had some kind of feelings for me.

He went on to tell me that he was fine with it and that Wesley was a nice guy. Evin said that Wesley and I obviously hit it off and that I must have seen something in him if I gave in my number because Evin knows I don't give my number to anybody. And it was true. If Wesley was someone I met on the street he would be somebody I would definitley date.

Still, I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the situation. So I told myself that me and Wesley would just be friends. The next day I called him and told him basically me and Evin are just friends and although we've never been together and probably never would I still had a thing. He told me he understood and that he just wanted to be friends and get to know me better.

The two of us chilled almost every week on a plantonic basis. One night after coming from a bar we were sitting in the living room just talking for hours about everything. He asked me if I would date someone like him. Since me and Evin had no real romantic history I didn't see why I should be pining away for him. Besides, by this time he and his girl were getting pretty serious.

So Wesley and I went from buddies to dating. Know I knew from the first moment that me and him starting chilling that he would be going back to his home in Canada so I knew I wouldn't be something that would turn into a relationship. I was going through a time where I felt like I needed a some male affection and Wesley gave that to me. He also satisfied my physical needs. I felt that I could go there with him because I didn't have that emotional attachment and felt like it would be a situation that I could easily move on from.

I like the kind of relationship we had. We had alot of fun together, there were not the expectations there that two people have when in a relationship so there was NO DRAMA, which was lovely.

But the whole time I'm still thinking about Evin. I hated to be over their apartment when Evin was there. It was too painful to see him. Seeing Evin makes me feel rejected. Just a few weeks before me and Wesley started chilling I basically poured my heart out to him. It was just to hard to face him after that. I felt kind of embarassed after he told me him and his girl were serious know. He told me I should have told him how I felt a long time ago. And he was right. I was too late. But I had my reasons for keeping my feelings from him so long. His actions didn't exactly make it easy for me to tell him how I felt so he also had a hand in us never hooking up.

Mandy says I need to stop dwelling on Evin. Because if it was meant to happen it would have happened already and she's right. I'm not going to lie, I was crushed when Evin told me the other night while waiting for Wesley at their apartment that he was expected his first child with his girl. By the time me and Wesley got to the Cheesecake Factory, the tears I had been holding in the whole drive to Charlotte came spilling out as soon as I made it to the bathroom.

I can't believe I still feel this way over someone I never even kissed. Geezz, what's wrong with me?

Wesley is officially back in Canada now so I'm alone yet again. I just want to enjoy dating for now. I'm going to try and go out more often and be more socialable. In fact, I'm even becoming more proactive about my singleness and asking guys for their phone number! I went out to this martini lounge with my friend the other night and met this cutie with dreds on the dance floor. I think I'll give him a ring tonight...

Moving on to being broke and my job...

Man this job ain't paying me nothin'! I've been pumping out applications to places for the last month now. I've been praying and praying for something else to come my way. I'm just not as enthusiastic as I used to being working at the paper. And I'm not the only one. Most everyone here is miserable, overworked and underpaid.

And I'm starting to get stir crazy living at home. I'm itching for my own space so bad, it's not even funny. I mean, I'm 25 already. I need to get out. But first I need a job that pays so that I can afford a roof over my head.

I have someone who wants to schedule a phone interview with me so I'm crossing my fingers that it will go well.

I need a change. I need to escape and get out of here. I need to start over.

Until next time!

Peace!