The sad fact is black women aren't getting married as nearly as the same rate as their white, Hispanic and Asian sisters. As part of the black community, I really don't have to look far to see that the numbers ring true. I know of more unmarried black women my age than I do married. I see more white women my age married than I do in the black women I know in the same age group. Everywhere I look, movies, television, music and in my own family the message is clear - Black women are the main providers for their children and households and on top of that it doesn't look like they're getting married anytime soon.
So is the fate of a single, childless black girl such as myself?
The African American Healthy Marriage Initiative reports that:
On the whole, Blacks or African Americans (hereafter called Blacks) have lower rates of marriage and marital stability than all other ethnic groups. They also have higher rates of single-headed families than other groups.
Citing statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau, their report continues...
Black males and females are more likely to be unmarried than Whites, Hispanics, or American Indian/Alaskan Natives (AIAN) (42.2% for males, 40.8% for females, compared to 27.5% and 21.2% respectively for Whites, 38.2% and 30.3% for Hispanics, and 35.7% ad 29.9% for AIAN ).(ACS 2002)
Black individuals are far more likely than Whites and Hispanics to be divorced (in 2002, 9.4% of Black males were divorced, and 13.3% of Black females versus 9.1 % and 11.3% respectively for Whites and 5.9% and 9.3% for Hispanics). (ACS 2002)
Among married Black individuals, a greater percentage is living apart from their spouses than among married White and AIAN individuals (15.7% for Black males, 24.1% for Black females, versus 5.3% and 6.3% respectively for Whites and 11.1% and 12.8% for AIAN). Only Hispanics have a higher rate of living apart from their spouse than do Blacks – 16.2% for males and 16.9% for females (in many cases this may be due to immigration complications). (ACS 2002)
Black families are less likely to contain a married couple than all other groups (46.0% versus 81.0%). White families have an 81% chance of containing a married couple, AIAN families have a 67% chance, and Hispanics have a 67.4% chance. (Census 2000)
Single male-headed families are slightly more likely in Black homes than in White family homes (about 8.5% versus 5.3% for whites.). Hispanics and AIANs have a higher rate of single male headed families (10.3% and 10.4% respectively). (Census 2000)
Single female-headed families are far more likely in Black homes than in all other groups' homes (45.4% versus 13.7%). By contrast, Whites have a 13.7% rate, AIANs have a 28.8% rate, and
Hispanics have a 22.3% rate of single female headed families. (Census 2000)
Only 44.9% of Black householders in family households live with a spouse. This compares with 80.6% for Whites, 60.1% for AIAN, and 70.2% for Hispanics. (Census 2000)
So what do these numbers really mean? Have black people stopped caring about marriage all together? Why can't our families seem to stay together?
I have my own not so very scientific theories:
- Black men and women aren't fully aware of their roles in relationships. - I think that both sexes attempt to "wear the pants" so to speak in relationships. Black women want to be in charge which is quite understandable. I think as black women we're use to seeing a woman take charge of a household - half the time (according to that stats) without a male in the household. I've seen it in my own family. My father was raised in a household with all women - his mother, his aunt, and his grandmother. There might have been a man around here and there, but for most of his childhood there was no major male influence around living in the house. All of these women, my grandmother, my great aunt and my great grandmother have either had to have a take charge attitude or have been the sole providers or dominant influence in raising their children. If there was a husband he was killed, a drunk, abusive and/or pretty much took a back seat when it came to running and raising a household of young impressionable children. Black men who have grown up without male role models don't really have an example to look back on when it comes to taking care of their own children/women. If they haven't seen it growing up what do they have to go on?
- Black women baby their sons too much. - causing them to be look to their wives/girlfriends as mother figures instead of partners.
- Black women's self esteem - causing them to settle. It's not like black women don't want to get married - we just to to settle for the "I have his kids and at least his living with me" or continue to have children with men who have no intentions of making a long term commitment with us.
- The Hip Hop culture - you're just a radio station and BET video away from seeing that that black women are objectified and disposal characters. Hip Hop has made the baby mama/baby daddy moniker cute. This male dominated genre promotes casual sex with multiple partners and black people are eating this shit up.
Damn, what's a black girl to do?
5 comments:
Not to be a hairsplitter but...
Is it marriage or a good relationship that you want? These are two different things. Somebody said this to me recently and I had to think - hmmm?
Then the question becomes, what is preventing us from having good relationships together? I want to meet black women and where I am they are few. I'm at the point where I'm ready to consider online options again, though I hate that shit.
I've tried to focus on working on myself so that I'll be ready when she arrives. That, rather than remaining the same person and expecting some magical woman to accept me as I am. I've got issues.
this is a great post!
--i agree with what you say about the hip hop culture having an effect on ideals of marriage/relationships for black girls.
i think essentially that every black girl can aim for marriage and shouldnt think that they don't deserve it because of those ridiculous images of video models. there are many obstacles surrounding why many black girls arent married to black men however patience is a virtue and i truly believe those strong black girls who keep doing what makes them happy will be granted a boon if that boon is marriage or a good relationship, either fits fine with me because we need to get that single household number down.
--A
You pose a good question. I was actually thinking about this the other day...do I want marriage (because society has pounded the idea of marriage into womens heads since they were little girls) or just a good relationship? I guess if I had to pick it would be a good relationship...although if I wanted to have kids (which I'm not sure if I do or not) I'd rather be married.
The pickings are pretty slim for me where I live. I live in a small town city outside of Charlotte. It's the kind of place that's great to raise your kids but once they grow up and go to college young people move away. As for black singles the pool is even smaller. So I've decided to try online again and I hope to be able to write about my experiences soon.
hi me again...
i have a few issues with your theories...
i think traditional "roles" are outdated (not to mention total bs)...
this is not the 1800's. we dont need "big strong men" to "take care" of us anymore. what we should be focusing on is making sure that our men dont feel inferior or emasculated simply because they dont fit the "tv version" or our grandparents view of what a man should be...some men are running scared because more women are realizing that they dont have to be "blonde" bimbos with all the essential "women skills" to lead a fulfilling life...men should embrace their woman's new found identity and work to find his own...the world is ever changing and we cant keep holding on to nonsensical beliefs forever...black women dont want to "castrate" men...(i mean seriously what red-blooded hetero woman wants to be in relationship with a "girly" man?) we simply want to be respected. hell...i, for one, would like my man to understand that there is no shame is staying home and taking care of his family the same way i would if i were "unemployed"...kids (boys AND girls) need daddy to do more than just "bring home the bacon"...
just so you know...black women are NOT the only ones who "baby" their sons too much...i dated a mixed boy and his (white) mother took the cake...i mean i cant even explain how much that woman annoyed me...bugh...personally i think that most black woman actually expect their sons to grow up too fast as opposed to babifying them...black sons quite often end up assuming the "man of the house" cliche/role which i find particularly saddening...its a catch 22...black children get to mature faster because of this trend of assuming "grown-up" roles but at what cost? simple. they lose a great deal of their "childhood" in the process.
i think that it involves more than just self esteem because most black women i know hold themselves in the highest regard...i do think that this has a lot to do with education (a lot of women just dont know any better), cultural values, and past experiences (i, for one, watched my parents go through a turbulent marriage of about ten years and a subsequent divorce because they decided to marry "for the kids" at a young age and i do NOT want to put myself through anything like that, ever.)
and as far as the hip hop thing...i believe that that has a partial effect but really...im sick and tired of the media being scapegoats for all other peoples behavior...whatever happened to raising your own children?
i watched or was exposed to damn near all the things that were supposed to "ruin" me but to be honest with you i DO value my education, i believe that my body is more than just a tool to get men to do what i want, i dont rob, steal or kill, and i think people who pride themselves on their material possessions are hopeless and pitiful
again sorry for the long rant but you touched on a lot of the topics that i am really passionate about...
Not being an American, or even living in America, I was catching your flow until the 'not so scientific theories' dropped. Theory number one sculpts an image of the black male as being essentially lost, not just for words to understand his predicament, but also lost to himself. When he is not being an absentee parent in the flesh, he is either lost in booze or with an address in some prison yard, or if he is around then he is some tired, old, helpless wreck with whom the world is too much. He has seen it all and has been overwhelmed by it all. He has just plain given up on everything, clearly derelict in his duties and has abdicated all responsibility to his fine, strong, able female partner.
Good, even though the entire argument has begun to sound like a rant at this stage, I still found it all compelling enough to continue reading.
Theory two and theory three, in general, continue in similar fashion to advance your females as the stronger; these I have no problems with. I mean down here in Africa, those are the only kind that ever get made. Ezcept that in theory four you carry all that power you developed earlier on, and gift it to the men who dominate the obviously sexist and chauvinist record industry, not just in America but all over the world. In one breath you have the hand that rocks the cradle rising to rule the world and covering up for his 'weaker', without it mate, and in the next equal breath you have these same awe-inspiring providers and role-models spreading their thighs for Nelly, that denizen of consumerist, tasteless hip-hop at its most meaningless and most atavistic low point, to swipe a credit card as advancement for the argument that they are mere objects, chattel waffle in a world so obviously dominated by men and in which the neatest trick of passing the torch on to the next generation since the Ming dynasty has been effected.
You see that's what confuses me when I hear, read or see displayed in movies, relationships between the sexes in African-America. Men can't get anything right, yet they get women to strip themselves naked and wiggle for their lives each time the director, usually a man, shouts "Camera, Lights, action..".
Men can't get it right yet for decades this has been the pimply face of the African-American entertainment industry. Hip-hop is only reinforcing it today because of cable/satellite TV and and the Internet(read Youtube). Argumentatively it appears to me that Not so scientific theory number four is the moral equivalent of putting rolling it up into a ball, putting it all in your pipe and smoking it.
I don't doubt that there is probably an unfairly high incidence of fracture in family life amongst African-Americans but I am of the opinion that a lot of flippant and incomplete thinking currently attend the majority of analyses presented of the situation. What I find as a recurring thread is the suggestion, often subtle and laid back, sometimes brazen and strident, that there is some 'generational voodoo' at work here, traceable to the psychically punishing and mutilating experiences of the black male under slavery in America, from which he has never fully recovered. The reading is that the violence, the inability to take responsibility and the powerlessness all somehow stem from these harrowing experiences. I can't argue against that or for that, because truth be told, even for someone who has lived all their life in America, concrete, irrefutable evidence to support such a notion, must be very hard to come by.
However consider that the African-Americans, who in your long, distinguished history, have been able, to somehow cast off this dark spell, have all invariably been very educated males, and perhaps you could add in addition to or in replacement of some, of your arguments the notion that perhaps people, not just your men but also your women have got to make a serious enterprise out ofknowing the exact fount from which power in America flows.
Truly, until I know what the jury will say on that one, I think we all should just stick with the statistics(which are not immediately helpful without correct interpretation but) which will continue to hold the truth locked within its cold, dark cisterns, until we are mature enough to unlock what that truth is.
On a lighter note, I wish you much luck with your searching, but if you ever get desperate, do hop on a plane and come down to Africa; we know how to treat sistahs down here.
PEACE!
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