Black Girl's Online Dating Adventures - Part I

So as I mentioned in a previous post I’m giving this internet dating thing another go in an effort to recharge my dating life. I’ve tried the popular mainstream dating sites - Match, True, E-Harmony - on and off for a couple of years. I’ve only casually dated three men during that time.

I’ve yet to have anything serious as far as a relationship goes that came out of those experiences. People will tell you that you can come across some shady characters online but you can come across equally shady folks in person too. You’ve just have to take the same precautions that you do when you meet a perfect stranger at the club, bar or grocery store.

In my online dating experiences I met my dates in person usually anywhere from 3-4 weeks after first online contact. Conversations always started via the dating site. Numbers were usually exchanged a couple of weeks after first contact. The first phone call served as sort of an ice breaker. If all went well without awkward silences and offending the other, a date was usually set for our first meeting.

So far I haven’t been kidnapped and cut up into itty bitty pieces! Lol!! I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, met in a very public place when meeting online potentials.

One of the first guys I met online, Anthony, who I spoke of in an earlier post, was a guy I met for breakfast at popular family restaurant. I remember feeling fairly nervous but confident and wondering if he was going to be anything like he was over the phone Funny, sarcastic but not in an annoying way. We had talked for hours the previous night about really bad hip hop, our jobs, our families and friends and how annoying the dating scene is for black folks in our area if you’re not into the clubs, bling, or thug life mentality. We seemed to be on the same page. Almost a perfect fit.

So I’m waiting in the restaurant lobby for Anthony crossing my fingers and hoping our “in person” encounter would have the same sparks as our conversation did the previous night. When he finally arrives he easily spots me. (We were the only black people in the restaurant at the time.)

Now, if I said I don’t care about looks I’d be lying. But for some reason I wasn’t instantly physically attracted to him when I first saw him. “No, problem.” I thought as the waitress led us to our table. “He’s much too interesting of a guy to just pass up.”

We ate our breakfast and kept the conversation pretty light. He was going to school for electrical engineering while I was taking a couple of class at the city’s community college at the time. He had gotten an associates degree at that same school but had recently started of at UNC-CH. We talked about school, he shared some of the volunteer work he did and his interest in gadgets. He was a self proclaim tech geek. He seemed very similar to what I had imagined while emailing those past couple of weeks. But in person….there was this awkwardness about him and hints that he could potentially be the clingy type. But I wasn’t going to write him off him.

I kept Anthony at bay for about four months with - “I just want to take things slow/It's not you, it's me” sort of thing. We probably saw each other about once a week. I would’ve broken it off with him sooner but I really wait for the physical attraction to kick in but it didn’t. I wasn’t even interested in kissing him. I finally had to break it off around the holidays. (I know - harsh. But I didn’t want to waste anymore of his time.) To this day I wonder about him. He definitely would’ve treated me like a queen but that physical chemistry just wasn’t there.

The second guy I met, Michael. A scientist. I still I don’t exactly understand what he does - studies the protein of kidneys or something or other. Anyway….who knew you could meet scientists through online dating? I was a little intimidated into even exchanging emails him. I’m just going to say it - I’ve always considered myself a fairly intelligent person but I didn’t thing I was smart enough for him! I thought we would never have anything in common. On top of that he was from Zimbabwe and I was a little nervous about potential cultural differences. He lived in Durham but was going to be in Charlotte for a Panthers game so after a couple of weeks of online chats and a couple of phone calls I drove into the city and met him at a restaurant outside the stadium after the game. I was pleased with what I saw. He was tall and slender, brown skinned, curly black hair and very soft spoken but confident. We had a couple of beers and shared some wings. I was charmed by his exotic accent - it took little getting use to with all the noise of excited Panthers fans at the bar. He admitted to me that was the first black American girl he’s been out with. We had an interesting chat about the cultural differences between us but it didn’t seem like it was going to be a big obstacle. We made plans to hang out in Durham the following week. He took me to a quaint little French restaurant and to an ice cream parlor for dessert. But as my luck would always have it something went wrong. After a couple of weeks, realizing that he had misunderstood the conditions of his work visa, his time in the U.S. was coming sooner than he planned. He would have to leave the country in 10 months. We both agreed it really wouldn’t make sense starting a serious relationship that would only end in pain.

So before anything could really take off we agreed to keep it casually. There were many nights of good wine, food, and even a hockey game between us until the day he left. I actually ended up buying his whole living room and dining room set from him. I would’ve needed furniture for when I moved and he needed to get rid of everything in his home before leaving to his new job in Cape Town, SA. I was one of the last familiar American faces he saw after dropping him off at the airport. To this day I still keep in touch with him.

My last and most recent internet dating experience was with a Jamaican guy who worked as a researcher for a local school district. He was cool until I found out he was a bit controlling and told me to - get this - gain weight for him! What? Okay….I’m slender and I have been slacking off with my strength training at the gym - but I’m no Nicole Richie. When I called him on his shit and told him I didn’t appreciate his little critiques about my body he must have sensed that I was about to bail and quickly tried to back track with “I was just playing” and tried to compare his suggestions to changing my body for him to when a woman wears a certain dress or wears her hair a certain way for her man. Wrong! I wasn’t buying it. I stopped taking his calls after that.

Despite the last guy, my online dating experience wasn’t a total bust so I’m going to keep on trying. I’m currently a member of two sites right now. I figure I can increase my chances of meeting someone this way. So stay tuned for my online dating adventures!

Is marriage a far fetched idea for a black girl like me?

I know, I know....I probably shouldn't get caught up in the can't find a good man/brothas aren't dating sistas/Down-Low phenomenon but I can't help to feel a little discouraged about the statistics for black marriage. I mean, it's everywhere you look...magazines, television, the Internet even in movies like "Something New."

The sad fact is black women aren't getting married as nearly as the same rate as their white, Hispanic and Asian sisters. As part of the black community, I really don't have to look far to see that the numbers ring true. I know of more unmarried black women my age than I do married. I see more white women my age married than I do in the black women I know in the same age group. Everywhere I look, movies, television, music and in my own family the message is clear - Black women are the main providers for their children and households and on top of that it doesn't look like they're getting married anytime soon.

So is the fate of a single, childless black girl such as myself?

The African American Healthy Marriage Initiative reports that:

On the whole, Blacks or African Americans (hereafter called Blacks) have lower rates of marriage and marital stability than all other ethnic groups. They also have higher rates of single-headed families than other groups.

Citing statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau, their report continues...

Black males and females are more likely to be unmarried than Whites, Hispanics, or American Indian/Alaskan Natives (AIAN) (42.2% for males, 40.8% for females, compared to 27.5% and 21.2% respectively for Whites, 38.2% and 30.3% for Hispanics, and 35.7% ad 29.9% for AIAN ).(ACS 2002)

Black individuals are far more likely than Whites and Hispanics to be divorced (in 2002, 9.4% of Black males were divorced, and 13.3% of Black females versus 9.1 % and 11.3% respectively for Whites and 5.9% and 9.3% for Hispanics). (ACS 2002)

Among married Black individuals, a greater percentage is living apart from their spouses than among married White and AIAN individuals (15.7% for Black males, 24.1% for Black females, versus 5.3% and 6.3% respectively for Whites and 11.1% and 12.8% for AIAN). Only Hispanics have a higher rate of living apart from their spouse than do Blacks – 16.2% for males and 16.9% for females (in many cases this may be due to immigration complications). (ACS 2002)

Black families are less likely to contain a married couple than all other groups (46.0% versus 81.0%). White families have an 81% chance of containing a married couple, AIAN families have a 67% chance, and Hispanics have a 67.4% chance. (Census 2000)

Single male-headed families are slightly more likely in Black homes than in White family homes (about 8.5% versus 5.3% for whites.). Hispanics and AIANs have a higher rate of single male headed families (10.3% and 10.4% respectively). (Census 2000)

Single female-headed families are far more likely in Black homes than in all other groups' homes (45.4% versus 13.7%). By contrast, Whites have a 13.7% rate, AIANs have a 28.8% rate, and
Hispanics have a 22.3% rate of single female headed families. (Census 2000)

Only 44.9% of Black householders in family households live with a spouse. This compares with 80.6% for Whites, 60.1% for AIAN, and 70.2% for Hispanics. (Census 2000)

So what do these numbers really mean? Have black people stopped caring about marriage all together? Why can't our families seem to stay together?

I have my own not so very scientific theories:

• Black men and women aren't fully aware of their roles in relationships. - I think that both sexes attempt to "wear the pants" so to speak in relationships. Black women want to be in charge which is quite understandable. I think as black women we're use to seeing a woman take charge of a household - half the time (according to that stats) without a male in the household. I've seen it in my own family. My father was raised in a household with all women - his mother, his aunt, and his grandmother. There might have been a man around here and there, but for most of his childhood there was no major male influence around living in the house. All of these women, my grandmother, my great aunt and my great grandmother have either had to have a take charge attitude or have been the sole providers or dominant influence in raising their children. If there was a husband he was killed, a drunk, abusive and/or pretty much took a back seat when it came to running and raising a household of young impressionable children. Black men who have grown up without male role models don't really have an example to look back on when it comes to taking care of their own children/women. If they haven't seen it growing up what do they have to go on?
  
• Black women baby their sons too much. - causing them to be look to their wives/girlfriends as mother figures instead of partners.
  
• Black women's self esteem - causing them to settle. It's not like black women don't want to get married - we just to to settle for the "I have his kids and at least his living with me" or continue to have children with men who have no intentions of making a long term commitment with us.
  
• The Hip Hop culture - you're just a radio station and BET video away from seeing that that black women are objectified and disposal characters. Hip Hop has made the baby mama/baby daddy moniker cute. This male dominated genre promotes casual sex with multiple partners and black people are eating this shit up.

Damn, what's a black girl to do?

Progress...

Written Mar. 06. 07

Yay!!! I finally have my laptop. Now all I need is Internet connection (which I will be getting on Thursday - my birthday) and I will be up and running!!!! Who needs cable when you have the whole world at your finger tips with high speed Internet.

I thought it would be a good idea to update my blog and to keep up with it more.

What has happened to me since?

Well, I moved out for one. Hallelujah! I’m still single. (Of course I’m still single….it’s the story of my life.) I’m still at the same job but now I’m a photojournalist. Life is pretty OK. Of course it
could always be better…..

I’m sooooo over the whole crying in my beer, broken-hearted thing. It’s amazing what a little time can do for your spirit. I’ve casually dated a couple of nice guys here and there but nothing has taken off so far relationship wise. I’m actually about the cut loose someone who I’ve been seeing now - that’s another story for another blog.

So, as I mentioned earlier I have a birthday coming up. For the past couple of years I’ve spent my birthday either depressed and/or reflective on my life. Birthdays to me are like the second chance you get in the year apart form New Years to make new resolutions. This birthday I just really have one and it’s to be more proactive - at my job, in social life, family….everything. With my nature it’s easy for me to sort of retreat into Hermit-ville and sort of not want to be bothered with anyone or anything. Since moving out I have reveled in my solitude. I am so loving it! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with anyone else again!!

But sometimes solitude can be costly. I complain about being single but I don’t make myself available as I should. I complain about having a lack of career focus or passion for something but I don’t get out enough to be able to explore new possibilities. I could really stand to stay more connected to family members. I’ve always wanted to trace my family roots but I keep putting it off.

So this year…..in the 27th year of my life I’m going to vow to be more proactive.

I’ll keep ya posted!!