Black Girl, Interrupted

Black Girl's Online Dating Adventures- Part II

2007-04-08T08:43:00.000-05:00

So I've joined two popular black dating websites in hopes of recharging my dating life. I figure if I'm a member of more than one site I'll increase my odds. Smart right?

So what's the difference between a black dating website and mainstream ones? Well, for one the black sites seem to be more affordable than Match, E-Harmony and other more popular sites. The black sites may not have a lot of the same cool features but there's a larger pool of black singles in my area to choose from than a mainstream site.

I've been doing the online thing for about a month now and so far I have two half-potentials. I haven't met either yet but I have been talking on the phone with both and have made plans to meet one already. I'm a little disappointed by the lack of variety of men there are online. Yes, I have about 10 times more to choose from than other sites but lets do the math.

While using the ever so handy search tool, by the time I filter out black men between the ages of 25-37 within a 100 mile radius with no children that pool quickly narrowed down to about half of it's size.
Then after you've skipped over profiles with usernames like PNastee, WETUMUP, just4thenite, Mr.Perfect or "Knight in shining armor" (as if!), gnasty, datoecurler, Pussikilla or any name that includes part of or all of the name of a hip hop artist or song.
Excluding folks who don't even bother to fill out their profiles only offering you "I'll tell u later" in the "About me" section.
Profiles that are written in complete slang, all caps, broken English (uses "c," "u," "da," "4," and other characters to replace words instead of writing complete sentences like a grown man should) are automatically excluded.
Men who are posed half naked, in front of their cars, showing off their chains, wears fronts, throwing up hands signs that are other than "Peace" or thinks Dipset is the greatest hip hop group of all time.
Men who are looking for "casual relationships" which is man code for booty call. Those take up about half of the search results to start with.

After all of this your pool of men has turned into a pitiful puddle. About the same size you would get standard on mainstream sites.

Now I'm not saying that the females on these sites are much better. Talking to my two "half-potentials" they too run into a lot of women that turn them off from the gate. Where there are brothas who have kids there's just as many sistas who have kids. One of my "potentials", who is single with no children and kids being where he draws the line with women, says most of the black women on the site have one or more kids. He also complained that a lot are really out of shape because he states that he takes pride in his body running three miles a day and wants someone who does the same. He too was just as frustrated with the lack of proper grammar and the ability to even "string a sentence" together properly followed by the limited interests black women seem to have on the site.

So because I was curious (and wanted to check out my competition) I decided to check out the women's profiles. If anything just to prove this dude wrong. The common thread among these profiles:

One or more kids, lazy grammar, bitterness with "no games," "real man," "imma real woman" (a whole lot of "real"), "strong black woman who needs a strong black man," "wifey material" (I hate that one the most) and other cliches invented by single black women throughout their profiles.

Geez.

Where are all the dateable black folks at?

Black Girl's Online Dating Adventures - Part I

2007-03-25T16:47:00.000-05:00

So as I mentioned in a previous post I’m giving this internet dating thing another go in an effort to recharge my dating life. I’ve tried the popular mainstream dating sites - Match, True, E-Harmony - on and off for a couple of years. I’ve only casually dated three men during that time.

I’ve yet to have anything serious as far as a relationship goes that came out of those experiences. People will tell you that you can come across some shady characters online but you can come across equally shady folks in person too. You’ve just have to take the same precautions that you do when you meet a perfect stranger at the club, bar or grocery store.

In my online dating experiences I met my dates in person usually anywhere from 3-4 weeks after first online contact. Conversations always started via the dating site. Numbers were usually exchanged a couple of weeks after first contact. The first phone call served as sort of an ice breaker. If all went well without awkward silences and offending the other, a date was usually set for our first meeting.

So far I haven’t been kidnapped and cut up into itty bitty pieces! Lol!! I ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, met in a very public place when meeting online potentials.

One of the first guys I met online, Anthony, who I spoke of in an earlier post, was a guy I met for breakfast at popular family restaurant. I remember feeling fairly nervous but confident and wondering if he was going to be anything like he was over the phone Funny, sarcastic but not in an annoying way. We had talked for hours the previous night about really bad hip hop, our jobs, our families and friends and how annoying the dating scene is for black folks in our area if you’re not into the clubs, bling, or thug life mentality. We seemed to be on the same page. Almost a perfect fit.

So I’m waiting in the restaurant lobby for Anthony crossing my fingers and hoping our “in person” encounter would have the same sparks as our conversation did the previous night. When he finally arrives he easily spots me. (We were the only black people in the restaurant at the time.)

Now, if I said I don’t care about looks I’d be lying. But for some reason I wasn’t instantly physically attracted to him when I first saw him. “No, problem.” I thought as the waitress led us to our table. “He’s much too interesting of a guy to just pass up.”

We ate our breakfast and kept the conversation pretty light. He was going to school for electrical engineering while I was taking a couple of class at the city’s community college at the time. He had gotten an associates degree at that same school but had recently started of at UNC-CH. We talked about school, he shared some of the volunteer work he did and his interest in gadgets. He was a self proclaim tech geek. He seemed very similar to what I had imagined while emailing those past couple of weeks. But in person….there was this awkwardness about him and hints that he could potentially be the clingy type. But I wasn’t going to write him off him.

I kept Anthony at bay for about four months with - “I just want to take things slow/It's not you, it's me” sort of thing. We probably saw each other about once a week. I would’ve broken it off with him sooner but I really wait for the physical attraction to kick in but it didn’t. I wasn’t even interested in kissing him. I finally had to break it off around the holidays. (I know - harsh. But I didn’t want to waste anymore of his time.) To this day I wonder about him. He definitely would’ve treated me like a queen but that physical chemistry just wasn’t there.

The second guy I met, Michael. A scientist. I still I don’t exactly understand what he does - studies the protein of kidneys or something or other. Anyway….who knew you could meet scientists through online dating? I was a little intimidated into even exchanging emails him. I’m just going to say it - I’ve always considered myself a fairly intelligent person but I didn’t thing I was smart enough for him! I thought we would never have anything in common. On top of that he was from Zimbabwe and I was a little nervous about potential cultural differences. He lived in Durham but was going to be in Charlotte for a Panthers game so after a couple of weeks of online chats and a couple of phone calls I drove into the city and met him at a restaurant outside the stadium after the game. I was pleased with what I saw. He was tall and slender, brown skinned, curly black hair and very soft spoken but confident. We had a couple of beers and shared some wings. I was charmed by his exotic accent - it took little getting use to with all the noise of excited Panthers fans at the bar. He admitted to me that was the first black American girl he’s been out with. We had an interesting chat about the cultural differences between us but it didn’t seem like it was going to be a big obstacle. We made plans to hang out in Durham the following week. He took me to a quaint little French restaurant and to an ice cream parlor for dessert. But as my luck would always have it something went wrong. After a couple of weeks, realizing that he had misunderstood the conditions of his work visa, his time in the U.S. was coming sooner than he planned. He would have to leave the country in 10 months. We both agreed it really wouldn’t make sense starting a serious relationship that would only end in pain.

So before anything could really take off we agreed to keep it casually. There were many nights of good wine, food, and even a hockey game between us until the day he left. I actually ended up buying his whole living room and dining room set from him. I would’ve needed furniture for when I moved and he needed to get rid of everything in his home before leaving to his new job in Cape Town, SA. I was one of the last familiar American faces he saw after dropping him off at the airport. To this day I still keep in touch with him.

My last and most recent internet dating experience was with a Jamaican guy who worked as a researcher for a local school district. He was cool until I found out he was a bit controlling and told me to - get this - gain weight for him! What? Okay….I’m slender and I have been slacking off with my strength training at the gym - but I’m no Nicole Richie. When I called him on his shit and told him I didn’t appreciate his little critiques about my body he must have sensed that I was about to bail and quickly tried to back track with “I was just playing” and tried to compare his suggestions to changing my body for him to when a woman wears a certain dress or wears her hair a certain way for her man. Wrong! I wasn’t buying it. I stopped taking his calls after that.

Despite the last guy, my online dating experience wasn’t a total bust so I’m going to keep on trying. I’m currently a member of two sites right now. I figure I can increase my chances of meeting someone this way. So stay tuned for my online dating adventures!

Is marriage a far fetched idea for a black girl like me?

2007-03-08T18:53:00.000-05:00

I know, I know....I probably shouldn't get caught up in the can't find a good man/brothas aren't dating sistas/Down-Low phenomenon but I can't help to feel a little discouraged about the statistics for black marriage. I mean, it's everywhere you look...magazines, television, the Internet even in movies like "Something New."

The sad fact is black women aren't getting married as nearly as the same rate as their white, Hispanic and Asian sisters. As part of the black community, I really don't have to look far to see that the numbers ring true. I know of more unmarried black women my age than I do married. I see more white women my age married than I do in the black women I know in the same age group. Everywhere I look, movies, television, music and in my own family the message is clear - Black women are the main providers for their children and households and on top of that it doesn't look like they're getting married anytime soon.

So is the fate of a single, childless black girl such as myself?

The African American Healthy Marriage Initiative reports that:

On the whole, Blacks or African Americans (hereafter called Blacks) have lower rates of marriage and marital stability than all other ethnic groups. They also have higher rates of single-headed families than other groups.

Citing statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau, their report continues...

Black males and females are more likely to be unmarried than Whites, Hispanics, or American Indian/Alaskan Natives (AIAN) (42.2% for males, 40.8% for females, compared to 27.5% and 21.2% respectively for Whites, 38.2% and 30.3% for Hispanics, and 35.7% ad 29.9% for AIAN ).(ACS 2002)

Black individuals are far more likely than Whites and Hispanics to be divorced (in 2002, 9.4% of Black males were divorced, and 13.3% of Black females versus 9.1 % and 11.3% respectively for Whites and 5.9% and 9.3% for Hispanics). (ACS 2002)

Among married Black individuals, a greater percentage is living apart from their spouses than among married White and AIAN individuals (15.7% for Black males, 24.1% for Black females, versus 5.3% and 6.3% respectively for Whites and 11.1% and 12.8% for AIAN). Only Hispanics have a higher rate of living apart from their spouse than do Blacks – 16.2% for males and 16.9% for females (in many cases this may be due to immigration complications). (ACS 2002)

Black families are less likely to contain a married couple than all other groups (46.0% versus 81.0%). White families have an 81% chance of containing a married couple, AIAN families have a 67% chance, and Hispanics have a 67.4% chance. (Census 2000)

Single male-headed families are slightly more likely in Black homes than in White family homes (about 8.5% versus 5.3% for whites.). Hispanics and AIANs have a higher rate of single male headed families (10.3% and 10.4% respectively). (Census 2000)

Single female-headed families are far more likely in Black homes than in all other groups' homes (45.4% versus 13.7%). By contrast, Whites have a 13.7% rate, AIANs have a 28.8% rate, and
Hispanics have a 22.3% rate of single female headed families. (Census 2000)

Only 44.9% of Black householders in family households live with a spouse. This compares with 80.6% for Whites, 60.1% for AIAN, and 70.2% for Hispanics. (Census 2000)

So what do these numbers really mean? Have black people stopped caring about marriage all together? Why can't our families seem to stay together?

I have my own not so very scientific theories:

Black men and women aren't fully aware of their roles in relationships. - I think that both sexes attempt to "wear the pants" so to speak in relationships. Black women want to be in charge which is quite understandable. I think as black women we're use to seeing a woman take charge of a household - half the time (according to that stats) without a male in the household. I've seen it in my own family. My father was raised in a household with all women - his mother, his aunt, and his grandmother. There might have been a man around here and there, but for most of his childhood there was no major male influence around living in the house. All of these women, my grandmother, my great aunt and my great grandmother have either had to have a take charge attitude or have been the sole providers or dominant influence in raising their children. If there was a husband he was killed, a drunk, abusive and/or pretty much took a back seat when it came to running and raising a household of young impressionable children. Black men who have grown up without male role models don't really have an example to look back on when it comes to taking care of their own children/women. If they haven't seen it growing up what do they have to go on?
Black women baby their sons too much. - causing them to be look to their wives/girlfriends as mother figures instead of partners.
Black women's self esteem - causing them to settle. It's not like black women don't want to get married - we just to to settle for the "I have his kids and at least his living with me" or continue to have children with men who have no intentions of making a long term commitment with us.
The Hip Hop culture - you're just a radio station and BET video away from seeing that that black women are objectified and disposal characters. Hip Hop has made the baby mama/baby daddy moniker cute. This male dominated genre promotes casual sex with multiple partners and black people are eating this shit up.

Damn, what's a black girl to do?

Progress...

2007-03-08T13:41:00.000-05:00

Written Mar. 06. 07

Yay!!! I finally have my laptop. Now all I need is Internet connection (which I will be getting on Thursday - my birthday) and I will be up and running!!!! Who needs cable when you have the whole world at your finger tips with high speed Internet.

I thought it would be a good idea to update my blog and to keep up with it more.

What has happened to me since?

Well, I moved out for one. Hallelujah! I’m still single. (Of course I’m still single….it’s the story of my life.) I’m still at the same job but now I’m a photojournalist. Life is pretty OK. Of course it
could always be better…..

I’m sooooo over the whole crying in my beer, broken-hearted thing. It’s amazing what a little time can do for your spirit. I’ve casually dated a couple of nice guys here and there but nothing has taken off so far relationship wise. I’m actually about the cut loose someone who I’ve been seeing now - that’s another story for another blog.

So, as I mentioned earlier I have a birthday coming up. For the past couple of years I’ve spent my birthday either depressed and/or reflective on my life. Birthdays to me are like the second chance you get in the year apart form New Years to make new resolutions. This birthday I just really have one and it’s to be more proactive - at my job, in social life, family….everything. With my nature it’s easy for me to sort of retreat into Hermit-ville and sort of not want to be bothered with anyone or anything. Since moving out I have reveled in my solitude. I am so loving it! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live with anyone else again!!

But sometimes solitude can be costly. I complain about being single but I don’t make myself available as I should. I complain about having a lack of career focus or passion for something but I don’t get out enough to be able to explore new possibilities. I could really stand to stay more connected to family members. I’ve always wanted to trace my family roots but I keep putting it off.

So this year…..in the 27th year of my life I’m going to vow to be more proactive.

I’ll keep ya posted!!

Why don't black Americans care about Darfur?

2006-07-02T11:33:00.000-05:00

What can I as a black American do to make a difference?

Why don't Americans, especially black Americans care about Darfur?

Is it because of the lack of education and understanding of what's going on in Darfur?

Is it because of the gross lack of media attention here in America of Darfur?

Is because we just feel helpless to the situation? Or maybe most black Americans just don't care enough?

I think it's a little of all of the above.

I know speaking for myself that it wasn't until I started seeking out information on my own through news articles on the internet (there's very little coverage here in the U.S. about Darfur) before I even had a general sense of the conflict in Darfur which basically from my understanding is that there are two groups fighting; black Africans and the Arabs. The black Africans are seeking equal rights to land, social and public services and the right to have a self governing state and accusing the Sudanese government of favoring Arabs. Meanwhile Arabs are slaughtering, raping women to produce Arab children (which sounds like to me a sort of ethnic cleansing) and enslaving the black Africans which the Sudanese government is denying that modern-day slavery is going on.

I still cannot wrap my mind around exactly what sparked the conflict between these two groups to begin with; religious, ethnic or about land?? Apparently the tension between these two ethnic groups is nothing new. I still cannot fully understand why these two groups cannot get along. But there's one thing we as black Americans can understand when it comes to this conflict and it's called oppression.

As black Americans we come from a long history of slavery and inhumane treatment. A lot of the same rights that the black Sudanese are fight for is what we fought for. As black Americans we should be the first to empathize and offer a helping hand to these people because we are an inspiring example of blacks who were rose out of enslavement. But if a lot of black Americans are like me, they feel totally helpless on what to do?

Maybe black Americans just don't care enough? Are we just too consumed with our own problems (and believe me, aside from the great strides we have made in this country, black Americans still have their own mess to work through) or are we only concerned with more of the materialism that the U.S. has to offer? We claim to be so interested in our "roots" but very few black Americans can comment on any of the current events going on in Africa. I was very sad and ashamed when I read an interview with Simon Deng in which he was asked:

Given the history of slavery in the U.S., I was wondering what the response has been of Americans—especially African Americans—to your story?

He responded:

When I came to this country, my hope was that African Americans would be the first people to come and rescue me. I was disappointed. Up to today, I am still very disappointed. Nobody seems to care. I do not know what the reason is. Is it because we’ve become immune to it? Is it because slavery is still fresh in us, and we don’t want to talk about it? Nobody has given me an answer.We thought the first people to rescue us would be our own brothers and sisters here. Especially when we talk about the slavery that is going on in Africa in Sudan and Mauritania. African Americans should be the ones speaking out against this, but the ones speaking out happen to be the white people, which we appreciate.

What a shame....

I'm feeling helpless. Any suggestions on what I can do?

Why I loathe Black Entertainment Television sometimes

2006-06-19T12:51:00.000-05:00

Remember the good old days of BET when executes actually gave a damn about creating original programming that dealt with the issues that black people face like Teen Summit, The Tavis Smiley Show and what ever happened to the nightly news with Jackie Reid? Is there any news programming period on BET nowadays? What – do black people just not watch the news anymore? What the hell? I’m must admit though, they do seem to be trying to get their feet wet regarding original programming – they seem to be following the lead of all the other networks by creating a couple of new reality shows like “College Hill.” But the majority of it looks so low budget you can’t stand to sit and watch it all the way through. Besides, following the lives of college students is played – that’s MTV’s territory. That network has the “Real World” down to a science. But hey, at least give them credit for being the first network to chronicle a rapper’s last days of freedom before she goes to the slammer with “Little Kim: Countdown to Lockdown.” (Can you detect my sarcasm?)

As an avid television connoisseur who admits to wasting hours vegetating in from of the “stupid box” I can honestly say I rarely tune into BET for more than a few seconds while flipping endlessly through channels. I, the black viewer and supposedly BET’s target audience, find nothing interesting in the same handful of videos played over and over and reruns of “The Parkers” as if we didn’t get enough of them on UPN. Somehow BET has widdled what they call “Black” entertainment into a genre that is so small that anybody that goes outside the box of what is “Black” going to be left out.

So what is “Black”? Apparently it’s scantily clad women jiggling their booties to “Laffy Taffy” and not the clever hip hop lyricisms of “The Roots,” “Little Brother,” “Mos Def” and “Common”; even though he has been getting more air time since hooking up with Kanye West. It’s not the electrifying Lenny Krativz; the last time I check he was still black and it’s definitely not the country crooner “Cowboy Troy.” My thing is, if you’re going to have a network called “Black Entertainment Television” why exclude so many black entertainers just because they don’t fit the particular mold? Isn’t that being prejudiced against entertainers who look like the “target” audience that you’re going for; you know…..those descendants of slaves that share a culture and collectively call themselves African-Americans? Or what about black music of African and Caribbean decent? What about catering to their tastes just a little bit? Are they not black? Or do they just not matter because they’re not originally from this country? But why should I really be surprised and expect anything more of BET? This is the same network who named Louis Farrakhan “Man of the Year”; but that man is another blog for another time. What really took the cake was when R. Kelly was named something like “The Greatest Artist of All Time” or some overrated title either last year or the year previous to that during the BET Music Awards. Somehow the network and fans developed amnesia to the man’s past history of sexing up underage girls but I digress. The one thing I will give BET credit for is their Sunday worship programming. Nothing like a little praise to balance out the rump shaking from the night before!

I’m not saying to ban artists like Dem Franchise boys; although I do want to literally start tearing stuff up in a fit of rage every time I hear “Laffy Taffy.” I’m also not saying that artists should tone down the sexual overtones in their videos either because I totally get that sex sells. I’m just saying give me a little variety. Make room for the other folks too. Don’t give me excuses like “BET doesn’t break new artists” or “the music isn’t relevant to the BET audience” or “it’s too intelligent.” Instead you choose to insult my intelligence by airing something like “Laffy Taffy” twenty-four hours a day that’s suppose to be just ignorant enough for me to understand. Come on!! (Have I mentioned how much I hate “Laffy Taffy”? Kelis’ “Bossy” is right up there too!) I mean, what is BET really afraid of by giving some of these left-stage artists a little shine? They can carve out time in the middle of the night for “BET Uncut” videos but they can’t find a slot for a little “Black Thought”?

Or maybe....just maybe I’m in the minority here. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe this is all that black people want to see. Maybe we’re just as one dimensional as we seem. I don’t know black people; give me some feedback here! If BET should start taking more responsibility with program choices, shouldn’t black people start taking more responsibility in what they choose to listen to and watch? Maybe BET is just giving the people what they want. Or maybe they’re just not giving them a chance and seriously underestimating their audience. Who knows??!!

And that folks, is the end of my rant!

I'm baaaack!!!!

2006-06-18T22:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, I've seriously have been slacking on this blogging thing. Here's a brief update of what's been going on (or rather not going on!):

I'm still at home although I am taking the steps needed to leave. My boss gave me an extra raise and I have my car paid off so now I actually have $$$ to pay off that student loan. The love life is slow. Although for the past several months I have enjoyed the company of a nice Zimbabwe doctor from time to time. Nothing serious ever came of that because we both knew that his visa was going to run out. He left a couple of weeks ago and will be heading to Cape Town, SA after spending a month in England. He sold me his living room and dining room set and threw in some dishes which I have since put in storage until I make the big leap out on my own in several months. I'm not as nearly pitiful and heartbroken as I was last year; time heals all wounds.....well...most of them anyways. I've decided to enroll back in school January 2006 to pursue a degree in Web Technologies. I manage the website at work on a part time basis and figure I might as well get a degree that can get me out of that place. Plus the company helps pay for any education related to my job. Other than that I'm just working, paying bills and trying to enjoy life along the way. I love music so I've spent the last several months seeing my favorite artists perform in concert. The last one was The Roots in Charlotte a couple of months ago. It was the best live hip-hop performance I've ever seen!

I think if I actually knew people were reading I'd keep this thing updated more often! lol!! Is anybody out there?? lol!!!

Peace!!

The Front Line

2006-06-18T21:26:00.000-05:00

The Front Line: Soccer doesn't care about Black People.

Kenyan villager

2006-06-18T11:17:00.000-05:00

Kenyan villager

A dream not yet realized.....

2005-04-14T10:29:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been thinking that there has to be more to this life than eating, sleeping, working and paying bills. I have no idea what I've been put on this earth for but I know whatever it is, it has to be more than just simply maintaining and getting by in life. I'm envious of those people who know exactly what they want out of life and just go for it. Their whole life is just about following their dreams. I don't have a dream. Whoever heard of a person that doesn't have dreams?

People dream of becoming doctors, lawyers, astronauts, singers, actors, writers, teachers, world travelers, artists - all kinds of things. I can't remember ever have those types of dreams. If I had one I feel like I had a purpose, a goal - something to strive to achieve.

I have however come to one realization just recently - if I ever had the opportunity to work for myself I would. I'm not sure what I would do, but I do know that I don't want to continue to slave away for an employer for a few measly pennies.

I want to pick up some new hobbies. Maybe this way I can find out what I really enjoy doing and turn it into a career. I'd like to take a creative writing class this summer, swimming lessons, and since I have all of these vacation days, a few short weekend trips this summer either with friends or by myself.

One of the first trips that I will most likely be taking by myself is in June to Atlanta. There's this big natural hair show there where there will be lots of shows, vendors and seminars. While there, I'd like to take a seminar on basic locking, braiding and one on making your own aromatherapy blends for profit and marketing. While there I'd also like to explore Atlanta and do a little shopping.

I'd also like to go to Miami and/or California with Mandy sometime this summer. I'm working out at the gym constantly to get my body beach ready. I'll probably also visit Charleston which would probably be another solo trip.

I'd really like to start making extra payments on my Saturn so I can get it paid off sooner. The sooner I get that paid off, the sooner I can really think about getting my own place with an extra $250 in my pocket.

I'd really like to take the next few months to kind of find myself and to keep myself out of a depression. Working out helps some with the blues but it's not a total cure. I want to be able to learn how to be okay with myself also. And I'd like to starting dating more - nothing serious - but I just want be be able to have fun with someone without obessing or over analyzing relationships.

I'd also plan to make it a point to post more in my bloggs. I've discovered that writing about my feelings and getting my issues out is very therapeutic so you can plan on seeing much more of me.

Now I am off to fix me lunch and then it's straight to the gym.

2005-03-24T11:20:00.000-05:00

I haven't really been feeling like myself lately. Oh, who I am fooling? I've been depressed for the past couple of months.

Every day I am in constant awarness of my pitiful state.

I had a birthday this month on the 8th that didn't make things in easier. I'm 25 years old and here's is my life summed up:

Single, Found comfort in a man that is the cousin of Evin (with whom I'm pitifully still in love with)
Broke
Working a job that doesn't fufill me
Living at home

So let's address the single issue first. To do that I'm going to have to catch you up on the last 2 months.

After I stopped dating Anthony in December I found myself spending more and more time with Wesley, Evin's cousin. He was sweet and fun to hang out with. At the time I thought to myself that if he wasn't Evin's cousin (and if it wasn't for the fact that I still had feelings for the man) that I would definitely consider dating him.

But Wesley had other ideas. He confessed to me that he enjoyed spending time with me and if I would consider dating someone like him. My first thought was that it would be too complicated...but then I thought would it really?

Taking it back to the first time I met Wesley back in August, who also happens to be Evin's roommate, we hit it off immediately one night after visiting him at his new apartment. At the time Evin was talking to his then not yet pregnant girlfriend. Apparently she had showed up at his place while I was there without notice and he was trying to keep her at bay out on the patio. Wesley and I spent the majority of the time talking and I could feel that his interest in me was more than casual. It was getting late so I decided to head on home and I was begining to wonder where Evin had dissappeared to. I didn't know he had his female friend outside at the time. So I went out on the patio to see what he was doing. He was outside with his friend and I was kind of caught off gaurd because I just thought he was outside smoking and talking on the phone the whole time me and Wesley was inside. That was my cue to leave. I told him goodnight and went back inside.

Wesley walked me to my car and asked me for my phone number. I relunctanly gave it to him. It wasn't because I didn't enjoy our conversation, but in my mind I was still holding out for Evin even though I had no good reason to. I mean the man has a woman out on his patio. He's obviously moved on.

By the time I get home my phone rings. It's Wesley checking to see if I got home okay. I thought it was incredibly sweet of him to check on me. I immediately start feeling guilty for even giving Evin's cousin my number. Even though I had no reason to. I mean, it was a long time ago when I turned Evin's offer down and when we did reconnect we couldn't seem to make anything happen. Yet I still had feelings for him - go figure! So I called Evin as soon as I got off the phone with Wesley and told him that Wesley asked for my number and I gave it to him. He said he was fine with it and had no reason be upset. Like I said we barely even came close to dating. I must admit, my feelings were kind of hurt because a small part of me wanted him to be upset. If he was upest at least I knew he still had some kind of feelings for me.

He went on to tell me that he was fine with it and that Wesley was a nice guy. Evin said that Wesley and I obviously hit it off and that I must have seen something in him if I gave in my number because Evin knows I don't give my number to anybody. And it was true. If Wesley was someone I met on the street he would be somebody I would definitley date.

Still, I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the situation. So I told myself that me and Wesley would just be friends. The next day I called him and told him basically me and Evin are just friends and although we've never been together and probably never would I still had a thing. He told me he understood and that he just wanted to be friends and get to know me better.

The two of us chilled almost every week on a plantonic basis. One night after coming from a bar we were sitting in the living room just talking for hours about everything. He asked me if I would date someone like him. Since me and Evin had no real romantic history I didn't see why I should be pining away for him. Besides, by this time he and his girl were getting pretty serious.

So Wesley and I went from buddies to dating. Know I knew from the first moment that me and him starting chilling that he would be going back to his home in Canada so I knew I wouldn't be something that would turn into a relationship. I was going through a time where I felt like I needed a some male affection and Wesley gave that to me. He also satisfied my physical needs. I felt that I could go there with him because I didn't have that emotional attachment and felt like it would be a situation that I could easily move on from.

I like the kind of relationship we had. We had alot of fun together, there were not the expectations there that two people have when in a relationship so there was NO DRAMA, which was lovely.

But the whole time I'm still thinking about Evin. I hated to be over their apartment when Evin was there. It was too painful to see him. Seeing Evin makes me feel rejected. Just a few weeks before me and Wesley started chilling I basically poured my heart out to him. It was just to hard to face him after that. I felt kind of embarassed after he told me him and his girl were serious know. He told me I should have told him how I felt a long time ago. And he was right. I was too late. But I had my reasons for keeping my feelings from him so long. His actions didn't exactly make it easy for me to tell him how I felt so he also had a hand in us never hooking up.

Mandy says I need to stop dwelling on Evin. Because if it was meant to happen it would have happened already and she's right. I'm not going to lie, I was crushed when Evin told me the other night while waiting for Wesley at their apartment that he was expected his first child with his girl. By the time me and Wesley got to the Cheesecake Factory, the tears I had been holding in the whole drive to Charlotte came spilling out as soon as I made it to the bathroom.

I can't believe I still feel this way over someone I never even kissed. Geezz, what's wrong with me?

Wesley is officially back in Canada now so I'm alone yet again. I just want to enjoy dating for now. I'm going to try and go out more often and be more socialable. In fact, I'm even becoming more proactive about my singleness and asking guys for their phone number! I went out to this martini lounge with my friend the other night and met this cutie with dreds on the dance floor. I think I'll give him a ring tonight...

Moving on to being broke and my job...

Man this job ain't paying me nothin'! I've been pumping out applications to places for the last month now. I've been praying and praying for something else to come my way. I'm just not as enthusiastic as I used to being working at the paper. And I'm not the only one. Most everyone here is miserable, overworked and underpaid.

And I'm starting to get stir crazy living at home. I'm itching for my own space so bad, it's not even funny. I mean, I'm 25 already. I need to get out. But first I need a job that pays so that I can afford a roof over my head.

I have someone who wants to schedule a phone interview with me so I'm crossing my fingers that it will go well.

I need a change. I need to escape and get out of here. I need to start over.

Until next time!

Peace!

Dreadlocks: It’s more than a style. It’s a state of mind.

2005-01-16T12:23:00.000-05:00

**The following essay is one of the (hopefully) many submissions that I would like to have published. (created in 2004)**

“How long you expect to keep them things in your head?!” my grandmother asked me with a distasteful look on her face.
“Forever.” I simply replied.
“What?! Oh, no you ain’t!”
I sighed in defeat and realized that my sweet, sweet grandmother will never understand why I would choose to wear my hair in it’s nappy state – especially in the form of dreadlocks. But I can’t fault my grandmother for her attitude toward my naps. After all, she came from the good ‘ol days of press and curls and a time when relaxers were becoming popular. In those days, tightly coiled, kinky, hair was looked down upon by our white counterparts. The form in which we chose to wear our hair reflected a social class and allowed us to fit in better with mainstream society. As a result, the Negro has developed a repugnant and shameful impression of their African textured hair.
I had always had a curiosity about those who proudly wore their hair in its natural state. But the fear of ridicule and my ignorance of natural hair care put my wandering mind to rest long enough for me to make yet another appointment for a retouch with my stylist.
“How confident and regal she looks,” I would think to myself whenever I saw a sister bold enough to beautifully sport anything from the almost bare look, to head turning locks, to a bad ass afro that demanded attention. Each time my hand would retreat to my own head of chemically damaged hair in shame and I would wonder where the courage inside of me was to want to embrace the natural, god given texture of hair I was born with. The eventual decision to go completely natural took a lot of soul searching on my part.
The very first thing I had to get over was cutting my thick, shoulder length perm off. My hair was my pride and to get it to that length was an accomplishment on my part. The desire for long hair has been a dream for most sisters long since the days of our captivity. It’s that same desire that has made weaving and any concoction with the words “magic” and “grow” slapped on its label a multibillion-dollar industry. Long hair on black women is a sign of beauty, femininity and the desire of their men. For a sister blessed by nature with lengthy tresses to go cutting on it all willey nilley is almost taboo. Why would a Negro woman do such a thing for goodness sakes?
After finally getting the confidence to make the natural step, I stopped relaxing. Immediately I began to feel a change in myself. The arrival of my natural hair texture sprouting form my head was new and strange to me. For me, it signified a new beginning. I was taking the advice of Marcus Garvey when he urged to remove the kinks for my brain and not my hair.
“Free at last, free at last! Thank God Almighty I’m free at last!”
But was I?
Like I said, my long hair was quite an achievement for me and letting go of it was going to be far from easy. The summer I decided that nappy was the way to be was the start of what had originally planned to be a long transition through braids and cornrows. After all, I was use to having long hair and there was no way that I was going to just up and chop all my relaxer off. So with that, I endured one of North Carolina’s driest summers with creative cornrows. I had long made the commitment in my mind that I was going to immediately begin locking my hair after going natural. When I revealed my decision about my hair to friends and family, I would get frowns and comments like “Your hair is too thick and nappy for you to do that,” or “You don’t have the kind of hair to pull that off.” As if to say I had to have “good hair” to rock a natural. Statements like these would bewilder the mess out of me because I had gotten to the point where there was no such thing as “good” and “bad” hair.
Whatever texture of hair a person was blessed with was all good to me. I had someone tell me once, “Well, if you’re going to go natural, at least color it because it looks better.”
It’s just so hard for black people to wrap their minds around the idea of not having some sort of chemical to alter or lessen the look of nappy hair. Just the word “nappy” is hard for black folks to say with a straight face. That word alone has so many different connotations use to describe and demean our people that it’s right up there with that other ever so popular “n” word.
Regardless of disapproving and unsolicited advice of my peers and relatives, I still held fast to my decision. In fact, it only pushed me even more to face what I would ultimately have to do. Cut it off.
After looking in the mirror one day only four months into my transition, I wondered, as adamant as I felt about my decision, why I was finding it so hard to let go of my hair. Would all of my beauty and femininity be left on the bathroom floor along with my lifeless relaxed ends? Right then and there, with my reflection staring back at me I came to a realization that I was keeping all of my vanity in my hair. All of what I thought made me beautiful, womanly and desirable was held hostage by my lengthy chemically processed ends. My hair only encompasses a small part of who I am and getting rid of it was not going to change who I was or necessarily reflect the true me. It was time to let go of my vanity. With the help of my not so willing mother, off my sable colored mane went, spiraling down and around me on the floor and in the sink.
Since that day, I have been locking two years strong and let me tell you it’s been a learning experience watching my locks go through it’s different phases. I still have a ways to go, but I am up for the challenge and ready to take in the lessons that growing locks will teach me. Surprisingly, I’ve received a lot of good comments about my hair from people who too are curious about natural hair. I still have certain people in my life who have not outwardly expressed their distaste for my hair and simply choose not to comment on it.
No my hair isn’t long and flowing, nor does it blow in the wind on a gusty day. Instead the dense, dark ropes that frame my face serve a purpose. God didn’t make any mistakes when He created Africans and their unique hair. He made our kinky, tightly coiled and woolly hair to keep us cool and protect us from the sun’s heat and harsh rays and for that I am not ashamed. For me natural hair is not a trend like the coming and going of jheri curls and finger waves.
It’s not a style – it’s a lifestyle.

I must like being hurt

2005-01-14T09:05:00.000-05:00

Why do I always fall for men who are liars, cheats, jerks and guys who barely meet any of the standards that I set for myself? And why when I finally meet someone who does meet all of my standards I have no interest in them whatsoever?

I had to let the guy, Anthony I was dating go. We had been dating for nearly four months and by this time he's getting anxious about where our relationship is heading. I had decided it was time to stop stringing him along and let it go because I knew I would never be ready to be his girlfriend.

Now I'm back to square one and I'm thinking how in the world am I going to meet another guy as great as him? Here's what was so great about him:

He never kept me waiting around - He never once stood me up or gave me the run-around. He always made formal plans to see me. He would make sure that he carved out time for me because he was putting in effort. He was sincerely putting in quality time to get to know me better because he wanted a relationship.

He was thoughtful - He was very interested, familiar and aware of what went on in my daily life. I was taking a class and working two jobs and he knew which days were going to be my hectic days. On those days I would get a sweet message on my cell on through email from him concerned about how I was doing. It sounds so small and irrelevant, but it was little things he did that gave my mood an extra boost that made me feel special.

He made me feel beautiful....because he would tell me so. He appreciated my style and made me feel totally comfortable around him. I don't really look like a lot of women. I have my own sense of style and he loved that. I never felt inadequate when I was with him.

He was affectionate (which sadly was something I couldn't come to appreciate) - This was a man who wasn't afraid to take my hand or put his arms around me in public. He wanted everyone to know that I was with him. The amount of affection he displayed was actually startling to me. In the past I've experienced very little affect from my suitors. Usually when affection was displayed toward me it was a form of foreplay for them - meaning that it was usually leading to sex. For someone to sincerely embraces me, run their fingers through my hair or place a sweet kiss to my forehead just because was very strange to me. It was all sincere because he sincerely felt something for me. However, since I couldn't reciprocate the same feelings he had for me there was no way I could give him the same level of affection in return. He would tell me that he wanted more affection from me but I just couldn't muster it up.

He share my interests - I'm very much into cultural events and interests and so was he. We both didn't have people in our lives who didn't have such an interest in the arts. It was something that we shared with each other and bonded over.

He was a great conversationalist - I've spent many hours on the phone with him talking about everything under the sun. No subject was off limits to us. We opened each others minds up to different ways of thinking. And he was challenging. Even if he challenged what I believed in and I didn't agree with his thinking he would spark my interests.

He loved his community - He loved to volunteer his time to his people. He's a part of an organization that goes around to different high schools in the Charlotte area to try and get young black students intrested in engineering. He is very much passionate in the welfare of our people. He also volunteered his time in his field of interest - engineering. When he's not in school he works at the PBS station just because he like it. His spirit of volunteering was something I admired in him.

He loved his family and friends - He's a very technical guy and was always helping his friends out with their computer or electrical issues. He was always helping out his friends who didn't have cars and had a close relationship with his family which he always made time for.

So why couldn't I make myself feel something for this wonderful man? Maybe I like being lied to, cheated on or disrespect. Even if his physical appearance isn't something that gets him noticed right away, I thought his other good qualities would win me over. Am I that shallow? I can't be because I've been attracted to not-so-attractive people before so what's the deal? Am I just turning into a cold fish that can no longer feel because I've been hurt in the past? Do I not no a good guy when I see one? Most importantly why do I keep hanging on to these feelings that I have for Evin when he's no where near as great as Anthony is?

I pray all the time to God to make my feelings from Evin go away. Just when I think they are, when I see him or hear his voice my head starts spinning and my stomach does flip flops.

I think that's what was missing with Anthony. I never got that "head spinning," butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling for him. If I did we would be together right now and I'd be happy. In know I would because he's a great guy. Just not the guy for me.

All I know is that there is some lonely girl out there that's made perfect for Anthony and she has no idea how lucky she's about to be. She has no idea how her life is about to change.

A shift in seasons

2004-12-05T16:17:00.000-05:00

There's a change coming. I can feel it in my bones. It's like I can literally feel my universe shifting. I'm not sure what it is. All I know that something is going to change for me and soon.

Maybe it's the arrival of the new year that has me feeling this way. Maybe it's because of changes at my job or my relationships with people. It could be the approaching months of my 25 birthday that's giving me this feeling of restlessness.

I'll be 25 in three months and I still haven't figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have no passion and I want to do something that I'm passionate about. Sure, my job at the newspaper in OK. But it's one of those comfortable jobs that's easy to get stuck in and will take you nowhere. I like the people that I work with and it's not like my job makes me miserable. It just doesn't make me extremely happy either. I'd like to figure out a way to tap into my talents (which in my opinion I have very little of) and find out what drives me.

I'm taking a semester off because I don't want to keep wasting money and time pursuing a degree in Journalism when it's not something I'm passionate about. That's one of the first changes that I'll be experiencing - having more time on my hands.

With all off this extra time I thought about taking up different hobbies to see what peaks my interests. I joined Gold's Gym and have been working out for about a month now. I've set a fitness goal for myself - to gain 15 pounds of muscle. I'm 5'5 and my weight has never been able to peak over 105 so I've been doing some weight training to help me pack on the pounds. I hope to reach my goal by the spring.

Come the first of the year, I'll be working first shift so that'll leave my nights free. I'd like to taking swimming lessons at the YMCA, take a Natural Hair styling and grooming seminar that CPCC is offering, may take up pilates and/or yoga.

I definitely want to work on forming new female friendships. For some reason at the moment I have more male friends. My best girlfriend Mandy, live in Maryland so I don't have any female friends near by that I've gotten close to. I have some female "associates" but I have yet to have formed that "girlfriend" bond with them.

I'd either like to plan a big vacation next year or move into my own place. I won't be able to financially to do both and the same time. The vacation will probably win out since I love to travel. Me and my friend Mandy were thinking about going to Miami in May for a week.

I don't know we'll see what the coming months will brings. I just know that during this time I'd like to do a lot of soul searching.

Matters of the heart

2004-10-29T15:13:00.000-05:00

I'm finally dating again so now I don't feel like such a big loser for being single. But dating comes with it's own set of problems that you don't have to worry about if you're married or in a committed relationship. For the most part it involves dealing with a lot of what I like to call "duds" before you find a good mate. But before I go on I want to explain what dating means in my book:

Dating: Spending time and energy with a person in pursuit of turning what you have together into a committed relationship. It is natural for each party to also date other people because there is no committment. If you want to find a good mate, it's best to date around. It's also suggested to refrain from intercourse or any other forms of sexual behavior with this person before the conversation is had about a commitment because MOST people can't handle having sex with someone when that person is dating other people. But if you have thick skin then hey, do your thang! Just protect yourself and remember to not have any expectations. If they find that most of their time is spent together and a spirtual and emotional bond is beginning to form, then it's time to have that talk about commitment.

Pretty long, huh?

So, back to what I was saying I'm dating this guy now. He's cool, sweet, kind, attentive, thoughful, smart, open, opionated - a pretty much all around good guy. He pretty much has most of the characteristics I've prayed for in a man. The problem is I don't get those butterflies you get when you're around someone that you're smitten with.

So what's the problem?

My heart is with someone else. A friend. His name is Evin.

Evin and I met through a friend I was sharing an apartment I lived in about two years ago. He was nothing like the guys I was use to seeing in the town I live in. I believe the first time I saw him, I had come home from work and he in my friend were wathching TV. He was wearing some sort of NASCAR racing shirt and sported dark brown shoulder length dreadlocks. He had a light brown complexion, freckles and penetrating eyes which kind of disturbed me when I first saw him. He and his boy would come over from time to time on the weekends and we would play cards, drink or just sit up all night talking. I never even looked at Kevin in a romantic way. Probably because I had already made it up in my mind from personal observations that he was that brotha that didn't date black women. With that aside he was still cool as hell. He was funny and cool to hang out with. It was cool to have someone to talk to that had a male perpestive of things.

Well, one night after having my all my relaxer freshly chopped off to start my brand new dreadlocks, Evin and his friend were over. My roommate and everyone else were outside talking and it was just me and him chilling in the living room. We were in deep conversation about something (I can't remember) when out of no where Evin spits out, "I think we should be together." Just like that. The way that he said was like "I think we should order a pizza."

At first I dismiss what just came out of he's mouth because he's such a kidder and surely he couldn't be serious, especially in the manner in which he made the statement.

But then he gets up to grab a lighter from the top of the fridge and turns to me with those eyes and says something to the effect of "I don't make the best boyfriend but I'll try the best I can and I think we should be together."

Okay, I've NEVER even looked a Evin in a romantic way. He was my boy. So you can imagine what the look on my face was.

I never entertained his statment with an answer. I just sat there shocked, puzzled, flattered and uncomfortable.

I guess he got his answer from the look on my face because that night was one of the last nights we talked before we stopped chilling together for about 8 months.

It was July of 2003 before we connected again. I was a little worried about continuing a friendship with him because I the time I still only saw him as a friend and nothing more. From that time we started chilling more than what we did in the past. We got to know each other a little better and during that time I got to see what a wonderfully wise friend that I had. He started to open up more to me and I was able to do the same with him. Before I knew it I had developed those butterflies. But we were just friends and I was to scared to take it there. I wasn't sure if he still even wanted me after I had rejected him a year earlier. So I keep how I feel to myself and continue on with the friendship.

Now, even though I'm falling for this person, there were other factors that kept me from sharing my true feelings with. Even though we were good friends, I wasn't sure if he'd make a good boyfriend. He's not dependable and can't committ to something because of his own admission he can't make a promise that he can come through on his word. He can't even hardly committ to making plans for the next day so what make me think he could make a long term commitment to as a boyfriend.

Meanwhile, you can cut the romantic tension between us with a knife. Nobody wants to bring up "that" subject again. He keeps throwing me a bone, letting me know that he's still feeling me and even during one conversation says to let me guard down wanting me to let him in.

But I block all his attempts.

One night, after we made plans to go to a show the day before, he's no where to be found. I specially told him the day before that if these were plans he couldn't committ to to let me know that way I could make other plans for my weekend. All day no call, no show. This isn't the first time he's pulled this. As the hour goes on I'm getting more and more pissed. "How could he be such a shitty friend?" I thought to myself.

Finally, at my last attempt at calling I leave him an ugly message on his voicemail saying that the friendship was over. I couldn't take being treated like that over and over again. What made this night so bad was this was the night that I finally was going to tell him how I felt but he blew me off.

We didn't talk the whole summer.

Then I met Anthony, the guy I'm dating now, online in August. We instantly clicked over the phone and before you know it we're talking on the phone every day and making plans.

Then Evin calls me late one night. We went on like we had never even stopped talking. Then I just asked him "Why are you calling me after all this time?"

He told me he was too embarassed by his actions to call me and figured I needed some time to cool down. He said that there were no excuse for his actions and that he was sorry.

So, being there person that I am I accept his apology. And this time around I tell him exactly how I feel about him.

Except....

I'm dating and he's involved with someone right know.

"Why didn't you tell me how you felt about me a long time ago. How long have you felt this way." he asks.

All, I could say is that I was scared. I told him that it hurts to be his friend right now with the way I feel and knowing he's involved with someone else. I told him I thought it was best if we cooled off with the friendship but that I was always here for him if he needed me.

And now, he's all that I think about.

It's so not fair for Anthony though, because I'd like to feel the same way I feel about Evin with him. Hopefully, with our time apart I can focus on dating Anthony and others without him constantly weighing on my mind. I feel like if we remained friends my feelings for him would only grow deeper and no other man would have a chance at my heart.

So that's my dating dellimma

I just want this heartache to go away so that I can fully move on. Hopefully, in time it will.

Until next time!
Child of God

I should be lucky

2004-08-15T12:01:00.000-05:00

Dear God,
I know I shouldn't be complaining about my life. After all, I grew up in a 'relatively' functional household. I had two parents who stayed together for most of my life. I had a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in. They kept me fed and healthy and because of my military father I was able to live in another country and experience different cultures. I was never abused phyiscally or mentally. Never molested in any way shape or form. I've known people who've experienced horrible family lifes. I should feel lucky right?

So why do I feel like shit?

I'm 24 years old now and I'm no where NEAR where I thought I would be in life. At 18, here is where I thought I would be:

I would go to college and meet the man of my dreams. We'd be college sweethearts and we'd both graduate with our degrees, landing our dream jobs right out of college. My man would then ask me to marry him. We'd wed in a beautiful ceremony surrounded by all of our loved ones. Naturally, I'd be radiating with beauty in my princess inspired wedding gown. Lots of chifon. I wanted my dress to have lots of chifon. It would be so big and grand I'd get lost in it. And my groom would be the most handsome man you'd ever set eyes on. His skin would be as rich and dark as coffee. He would have perfect features; deep, dark ,honest eyes, full and lucious lips, a definite jawline leading to a strong chin. And when he smiled he'd have dimples deep enough to swim in. He would be so big and tall and strong he'd pick me up like I was as light as a feather. He would protect me, make everything better, solve all of my problems. But most of all he would make me feel good about myself. This silly thought would be the begining of my struggles with men and relationships. But that's another story for another time. There are more important issues that are bothering me.

Like I said I'm 24 and I'm not where I want to be. I'm still living at home which I'm not proud of. Sure, I'm still paying mom to stay here like I'd have to pay rent if I were staying on my own. But I want my own space. I need my own space with an energy that is my own. I know I could afford it but the truth is I'm terrible at managing money and I don't know what to do about it. It's like I get paid and I have no idea where my money is going. In my last apartment with my best friend Mandy, I could barely keep it together because of my lack of money sense. My mother is quick to point out that I get it from my dad. She says he is to blame for their breakup and financial situation. I don't want to end up bankrupt like my parents.

The thing is I could pay things off easily if I wanted to. The money I give my mom every month is less than half the money I would have to spend if I were living on my own. So where is the rest of this money going? I have nothing to show for friviously blowing my money.

Okay, I admit...I have a week spot for purses...and shoes...and most recently Ebay. I can live without designer labels but what gets me everytime is anything clothing wise that I find is 'unique.' I cherish my individuality. I hate walking around dressed like everyone else so I'll go above and beyond my way and sometimes my means to get it. I'm trying to kick the habit..really I am. Next pay check is going to bills!

I always say that. And it never happens.

See what will happen is I'll need new brakes, or an oil change, or my mom will ask for extra money, or a show will come to town, or I'll have a night on the town with girlfriends ....or I'll see something else that I want.

And the cycle continues.

One year later I'll be in the same exact spot I was a year earlier, and the year before that. The same spot I'm in now.

Help me God.

Help me with my struggles with money. Help me not to give into tempation. Help me build my future. Help me to become fully indepedent once again.